sufjan stevens concert last night was AMAZING

so amytron and i went to a concert last night. it rocked. that's all i can say about that.
the past two weekends, i have been up to incredibly festive/seasonal/whatever activities. on the 16th a-rad (HAHAHA) and i went to the "pumpking festival" in half moon bay. it was cool. saw a 1550 lb pumpkin. huge man.
last weekend my brothers christopher and dylan and sisters cara and cat and i went to a corn maze. it took us like 1.5 hours...ish. thank GOODNESS we had christopher. he was a great navigator.
my birthday (23!) earlier this month was AMAAAAAAZZZZZZIIIIIIING. like best birthday ever probably. well at least, best in a long time. slept over @ amytron's the night before, slept in/no work, visited h, :-D, had dinner w/ my fam and went to the temple...it was sooo good. then the night after, a-rad and i went to dinner and he got me an AWESOME present.
anyway, things are good and super busy. sanaa is amazing. :)

The Voice

So I have learned tons and tons of lessons about being a mom in this past little while. And one of the lessons I call: The Voice. This is when you have to speak really really gently like you're talking to a little kid whose feelings are really hurt and you have to be totally into the person you're talking to, trying to just be really gentle with them. I totally learned this from H and I use it with Sanaa. And it's important to remember not to overuse it or else it won't be as effective. But it works so darn well when used correctly. Any PHP'ers know what I'm talking about?

anxiety for this week: 11 out of 10.

*breathe* it won't be that bad.

my poor blog!

Oh Dear Blog,
I am so sorry for neglecting you for an entire month. It has been a good/bad/interesting/great/etc month. Lots of ups and downs. Right now kindof in an up. Definitely an up. Last week on Thursday I got to see H!!! Yayyyyy! It was GREAT. I got to talk to her for FORTY FIVE WHOLE MINUTES JUST ME. :-)))))) This past weekend was really great, too. Saw "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." Interesting...and went to a swim meet, got my car fixed at Big O, went to Old Navy, made Alisa a b-day present...good stuff. Sunday got to talk to Alisa for awhile which was grrrrreat. Very very productive...
*sigh* job stuff w/ sanaa is totes good, but the parents drive me totes crazy.
pictures later of the past month. it's been really good. :)

saturday is a special day!

^too bad for all the people that don't understand that reference, huh?

anyway, today wasin fact special because it was fun! at ten i taught ava piano, then right afterwards alisa and i went for a bike ride! i had asked her last weekend about riding and so she took me out. i definitely want to get a bike now. i got to ride her mom's, which cost like two grand. sooooo nice.

then i went to a guitar lesson which was awesome. :)

then i came home and have been chilling ever since. nice. missionaries came over for dinner. it was alright.

On Thursday I got to see H!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! Naomi and I went to Berkeley for the Educational Group and got to see H. omgooooooooooooosh so awesome. except for the whole her telling me i look like shit part. yeahhhh that was not so great. it was right after alan was about to walk out and then he was liiiike, "i'm concerned. that's all i'm gonna say." bla bla bla. then she was like, "how do you like that feedback? i dunno if that was the reaction you were hoping for...but do you want me to be honest with you? you look like shit."

man that sucks. but she said she would come to the support group in two weeks if i follow my mealplan. so that's some major mucho motivation yo. i definitely want to see her there! cause i miss her times a million!

today they told me i could sleep in!

but now i'm awake (5:33 a.m...went to be at midnight:thirty) and can't sleep...i have SO much on my mind, so i figured it'd be good to get it out in this bloggio.
the thing on my mind in the present moment is that, get this, this week....i am spending each night in a different part of the bay area!! kinda cool, huh!? here's a breakdown:
sunday night: i spent mostly at home, in benicia (northeast bay)
monday night: belmont (the peninsula)
tuesday night: san francisco (the city duh) with amytron!!
wednesday night: lafayette for the support group. it was awesome last night...maybe that's why i have so much on my mind...
thursday night (tonight): palo alto for tutoring in O Chem at Stanford...my tutor is SO smart, he is getting his PhD in O Chem, wow...(probably why i pay him so much, too)
friday night: san jose (south bay) to hang out with LAUREN! YAY!! i haven't seen her for awhile so i'm reallllllllllllly excited. the reason i'm staying down here is cause saturday i have to do a cpr/first aid certification class in burlingame for my job, so i didn't want to drive all the way back home/come back.
saturday: dinner in the east bay in berkeley probably although possibly oakland with TRICIA!!!!!!!!!! yay who i am also VERY excited to see yay yay yay!!! but the reason i'm not going home right after the cpr class is because i apparently am picking up my friend naomi's friend from the airport that night lol...i know weird. but yes, so i am excited. good week, huh!?!

next weekend (after this) guitar lesson, riding with alisa, going to monterey with amytron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, going to berkeley on thursday, tutoring on wednesday....i'll find even more exciting ways to split the other night i'm sure....

anyway. what have i been up to, other than all this fun exciting madness? the past couple weeks have been kinda similar actually. last week, dinner with amy on tuesday, stanford wednesday, berkeley thursday. home friday :D

it has been really really great having a job and income and stuff. totally. i mean, i love my job most days. like yesterday and tuesday it was great!!! the time with sanaa always goes by really really quickly. yesterday we went to this place called Coyote Point in San Mateo. Wow, it was GORGEOUS. Also it was a completely perfect day to go...a little overcast...I video'ed Sanaa it was funny. Mmmm just thinking about it, it was SO nice. So we spent awhile there and then came home, drank milk, chatted, took a shower (well she did hahah) and then cleaned up and then the day was done! Thursdays always go really quickly, too, because she has gymnastics at 3 and we go to the library beforehand, so that pretty much knocks out an entire day of having to come up with anything. And Friday she has a playdate, so there ya go. But even on days when she is tired and we just come home, somehow it always just goes fast. Usually we are always just preoccupied some way or another. I think this is reason for me to NOT get a TV in my house when I'm older...hmmmm....

I'm trying to think of our other adventures. Mostly library visits, etc....I definitely am going to start taking more pictures and probably go a scrapbook...This summer is going to be so fun with her; yesterday her mom, R, and I were talking and they are members to the Discovery museum in S.F. and she said we could go on lots of zoo trips and things, so yes! It will be great!

What else have I been meaning to blog about. Hmmmmm....I miss H. :( It's pretty intense nowadays.

do you know what helped me today? looking in the mirror, and instead of seeing something i wanted to criticize, i thought..."i am seeing someone who H loves. and who amytron loves! and who jude loves!"

i really do have amazing people in my life.
talked to a friend late last night. she had some very very good points. but one was, "diana, you don't know how much you mean to people." i cried :( that meant a lot to me.
she stayed on the phone with me for a long time. and read me a story! and then i fell asleep.

it's like, during the day trying to push all that icky away but then when someone cares and asks super caringly directly how things are going i couldn't help but break down and cry.

now that i am working and will have money i need ideas for things to buy. whatchya got?

priceless

so this afternoon Sanaa (pronounced Senna) and I were doing art. She made a birthday card for her mom (even though Rhidika's birthday is in Nov, haha) and I made a "I miss you" card for H. And Sanaa was like, "what's that?" so i told her and she was like, who's that, bla bla bla...i was like "someone that i don't get to see hardly at all anymore," etc etc...anyway, and then i drew a sad face on mine. and she was SO cute, she was like, "But I'm here with you."

kids. amazing. :)

spent the morning learning how to make two indian dishes, rice pilaf and moongdal, like a lentil soup. they were good, we had them for dinner.
gotta sleep, gotta wake up early... :(

last week/today

Man, I wish I had posted something more recently in order to give full justice to just how amazing last week was. Because let me tell you, the week (note: not weekEND) was really great. Last Monday I came down here, to the peninsula, and interviewed for a nanny job. I had actually gotten a call just the day before--Sunday...or was it Saturday? Actually I guess it might have been Friday...at any rate, after the call I had to call Amytron to get support around it...but that's a completely different story and I'm getting off-track altogether...ANYWAY, back to last week, Monday's in-person interview went really well. Tuesday I think the only thing going on was my little brother's baseball game...which they lost :( but it was still fun to go to. Then Wednesday was SOOOOOO great! Went to therapy (ok, not the great part...only if H was my T :( ) and then drove over to Lafeyette and just hung out and read the really good book I'm still reading and then got to see Tricia!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because it was a support group in Lafeyette. And yeah so that was sooooo good. And then on Thursday that was an even BETTER day!!!!!!!! Because I got to see H!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaand she is soooo funny cause I walked in w/ Tricia and of course she just acted like it had been just no time at all had passed since I had seen her (well, it had only been 8 days...) and she gets gets SOOO excited over the SMALLEST things, lol it's hilarious. And so she was really excited about the aforementioned tomato plant, Tobias. And we chatted about how things were going blah blah blah. And Alan walked past and then saw me in the php room and came in and was so excited to see me and he wanted to know how everything was going :) Then he left, and I was talking to H about what they had done for art therapy. Apparently they had been instructed to choose someone they admired and blah blah blah i'm not sure the exact details because as soon as she told me that all I could think was trying to tell her that I would have picked her, which I did tell her and she gave me a hug. a looooong one. cause she is understanding like that and she said i was a good hugger! and she told me to "hang in there," like she always has been lately, and that she would bring me a tomato from tobias :)
sooo then tricia and i finally headed down to the basement and leslie! yay! gave a thing on assertiveness. i love leslie! and it was soooo good. seriously. you shoulda, er, COULDA, been there. OH I left out the good part!!! I actually went into Berkeley around twelve-ish/one-ish and it was PERFECT weather and i read and sat in the grass and drank COLD chocolate milk and a pear and it was soooo lovely...and amytron was with me in spirit :)....and then went for a hike up to tilden park and then came back and THEN finally met tricia to go talk to H....anyway, so after support group tricia and i walked to telegraph and went to the same cafe that amytron and i had been to before. maaaaan good stuff. we talked for a long time and it was so lovely!!!!
anyway, so friday morning i left by 9:30 am to go do a trial babysit for this fam down here. went super well. coming home i got lost, but luckily i have a SF city savvy friend :) who helped direct me. i ended going over FIVE different bridges that day. luckily i only had to pay toll on two. ha.
friday night. no bueno. boys=no no no bueno. no no no.
---->saturday no bueno.
sunday=muy bueno. since my fam was out of town this weekend, i got to take up alllll my parent's responsibilities at church hahaha. i played piano for sacrament meeting, taught gospel doctrine, and played piano in relief society lolzzzzz. then cope's invited me over! then went to napa last night for z wag's mission farewell. good day. ANYWAY and then i got home last night from napa and this fam had left me a voicemail being like, just come start today...
and i was waaaaay freaked out but SHOUT OUT TO AMYTRON for helping me through it. seriously what would i do without her.
anyway today was sooooo good starting a new job. hopefully things will continue going well. i'll give you more of the 411 about today and this new fam soon, but i gotsa go to bed. gotta wake up at 6:30 :(
<3 XOXOXOXO

today: soooo not feelin' it. or anything, actually.

i'm scared right now. falling into a HUGE rut. soooo no bueno. no no no no bueno. if things go back to how they were, that will be soooo not good. everything was sooooo awful. but there's SUCH a strong pull to it. it's extremely depressing applying for tons of jobs and hearing nothing back. it's also extremely depressing hanging out at home for too long. UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGH. i feeeeeel soooo trapped in my own head. no bueno no bueno no bueno.

as promised,

a real post-- with pictures! finally! i know i have been relatively m.i.a., but let me assure you, i have been trying to fill my life with some productive things. the following includes a's games, going for walks in beautiful benicia, my homemade birthday present to my awesome lil brother who turned 11, going to the park with walter, my sisters cara and cat, and also my friend anne sent me a bouquet!!! so here are some pics:


















last night i slept over @ amytron's :D it was sooooo goood to see her and we had a greaaaaaat chat. it was 'zactly what i needed. she def helped me make a life decision. we role played and practiced her assignment, talked 'bout relationships and how those are going, how we are doing in general...how much i miss h :( which was good cause she understood. one of the few. ummmmm we called some of our peeps! which was good! chloe called me back this morning and said our message almost made her cry! which was very very sweet. hmm what else...she showed me pics of a cute lil baby! it was just really really great to see her. next week on monday i get to see her again, happy day! k k so then this morning while i was waiting for wizzy to come into the city i went to the library and read. i'm reading a really good book called The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. suuuuper good. wizzy came and we went to union square and people watched!!! it was soooooo good to see her; we also talked for a long time about tons of different stuff. i <3 my peeps so much!!
what else what else....
i got to see h last week on thursday. was sad to leave :(
two job interviews. i'll update 'bout those later.
seeing JH tomorrow...more excited to see tricia!!!!!!!!

peace.

Sam Harris: Science can answer moral questions | Video on TED.com

Sam Harris: Science can answer moral questions | Video on TED.com

real post to come later...with pictures.

not. doing. ok.
saw JH on monday.
i miss h.

here is the real thing: i want to prove to everyone that i do need her to be able to do this. that is what it comes down to.
so basically everything is going to crap.

except my professional life. got interviews and stuff going on, etc...

my bestest php memories that stick out to me

-i first got out of the hospital at the end of october. it was halloween. i won't ever forget h's CRAZY WEIRD halloween costume. and at that point i wasn't that close to her and i was like, "who IS this crazy lady?" hahahaha
- my first share. i remember where i sat, what i was wearing, who was there. and at the end, h saying, "no one is gonna walk by you if you're crying. i see you." and in that instant i was so hooked.
- a week of so later when i really stayed after she made me write down on a piece of paper what had really been going on with behaviors while at php.
- daniel's wedding happened
- thanksgiving sucked
- dec 10. that was a big day. "come to jesus meeting." i remember h taking me out of process group. whew. i remember what i was wearing, what she was wearing. and she was trying to get me to sign that contract and she was like, "So do you think i'm just like a whale?" lol i really remember her saying that! and right away i was like, "no!"

gosh, there are just soooo many memories.
-letter to my mom
- art when she first told me she will always be there with me

i wish i just had every moment of php documented.
really, it was great.

i need to also shout out to my peeps. definitely to erin and anne and jude. they've really been there for me the past couple of weeks. and tricia omgosh too. goooosh i love all my girls. i miss lauren a lot. she really built me up by telling me i inspired her.
i miss php already. :(((((

there are no words

there are no words to express how sad i am that php is over. it was the best experience of my life.
thursday was so sad. i cried basically the whole day. like in weekend planning with jaime. and then alan pulled me out and i signed the discharge papers and we talked and i cried more. and then process group. started off by other peeps talking about getting support for some behaviors rather than others. the whole time though i was mostly just trying to get my thoughts together about what i wanted to say in my goodbye. i just tried to say that i was really grateful for the experience...to be able to witness so much divinity in each person that i saw go through there and to be able to connect with so many amazing women. it has been a really, truly incredible experience. and then i started talking about how everyone at times had seen me seriously hopeless, but at least thursday, in that moment, i felt a lot of hope. and right before i said the word "hope," h walked in to listen to my goodbye and i started crying really a lot. i felt hope because i really just want to internalize the entire experience. SO MUCH positive reinforcement. everyone always telling me how awesome i am--i mean, who would ever think negatively about themselves if that was all they heard? and that is what i had for 5 1/2 months. positive reinforcement, validation...people listening...caring. so i DO want to internalize that. it's really incredible.
and then everyone started going around saying their specific goodbye to me. jan started it off. which was awesome, cause she has definitely been there and seen me since day one. it was like seeing someone grow up. and then next monica said some really sweet stuff about how i'm an awesome singer and she brought up this one experience about how we had been sitting in check-in and i had said to her with a lot of love, "monica, it's ok to cry." and she talked about how much that meant to her. then jeannette looked at me and started crying and i re-started crying a lot and her and i kinda just cried together for awhile. that was hard. we have been through a lot together, jeannette and i. she had been there the second longest. she said some amazing stuff to me as well. and then angelina talked to me about how at her first therapeutic lunch she was SUUUUper anxious and overwhelmed, and i noticed and i didn't say anything, i just tried to help her by handing her a plate. that was really sweet that she remembered that. erin talked to me about how awesome i was, too. i just love all of them! i wish everyone had had time to talk to me. but by that point we were really short on time, and so alan intervened and asked h to say some last words.
and she did.
h started out by talking about how i had had so little time in the hospital, and it was amazing how well i have done considering everything. she talked about the first time i talked in process group (I was sitting in the same spot), about how i wanted to be a really great mom. and she said she thought that it really came from my heart. and lastly she said, "and i will miss you terribly."
and i will never forget how she said it. it was the most heart wrenching, sincere, most wonderful thing she could have said. because she always says the right thing.

and then it was over. and everyone clapped (which was kinda funny). and afterwards, h came and told me i could pick the directive for art that afternoon. and jaime was talking to me about her memories of me. which made me laugh. and then we had TL which sucked it was caf but whatevs. there was a lame opera singer.

then had my last chat with dr anzai. then art. i chose, "depict your most wonderful, carefree, happy day." and we listened to the CD i made. and h made my card-- white with blue glitter letters. and then she came over and she drew a picture of the sun rising. and she gave it to me. the whole while i was just sitting next to her trying not to cry but basically the cry look was on my face. it's just SO painful to think about those being some of my last moments with her. around 2:10ish she asked me if i wanted to help her plant the tomato plant. so her and i went to the deck and i took the plant out and she filled a bigger pot with some soil and i put it in and she put more soil on top. she asked me what we should name it. i suggested tobias-- tobias the tomato plant. i told her i didn't feel like i could do it without her. and she said, "well here's the thing i've been trying to tell you: that you don't have to. you have walter. and you can basically think of him as me. i'll always be with you. you know, when you become a therapist. i'll be there." then we went inside and shared art and she talked about her art and how she felt connected to the sun and nature and i was really happy that she gave it to me. and when we were all done sharing she gave me a hug. and then i asked for another one. and then we were all getting snacks ready and i was crying soooooooo much cause she wasn't doing check out but she went to give erin a hug and then i wanted another one. and then i was sitting at the snack table and before she left she came and gave me a hug and i was holding onto her pretty tight cause that was the last one for sure. and then she walked out and while the door was closing she was looking at me with that most understanding face where you bring your chin closer to your neck and yeah. and then the door closed.

leslie came over to me and gave me the sweetest, most gentle hug a person can give someone. like the kind where you rub their back and your body language is basically saying, everything is going to be okay. i was really grateful for that cause it was realllly what i needed. leslie is so very understanding. because i mean i was literally devastated.

check out. afterwards i gave jan like a million hugs. and debbie. and angelina. and TRICIA who had made me an AWESOME card and everyone had signed it and i love it dearly. and jeannette. and erin. :( and alan gave me a hug and let me write on the white board for the next day. and i left my HOPE picture book there that i had made on wednesday.

that night i was lucky enough to have such an amazing friend wizzy to take care of me. for that i am forever grateful <3 wizzy.

i went home and cried really hard. fell asleep crying. didn't wake up the next morning til right in time to get to my dentist appt on time at 11. came home, showered, went and saw the new dietitian, M. went well, she helped me actually realize i better get something in me friday. saturday another dentist appt, then went to my lil brother's baseball game. then went to the park and read and talked to amytron. admittedly, it was a beautiful day. but i didn't feel like it inside. i feel like i have lost the sun above me.

i miss h.

Normal...

normal is: having a bad hair day. accidentally running a red light and getting a $350 ticket. having some piece of retarded clothing not fit. tossing trash in the garbage can and missing. writing an entire blog entry and saving it, all to find it got erased.
today in process group we talked about what is normal? that was after having heard whitney's first share and i practically had a break down just because it was so heart wrenching. i actually cried during most of the group because it was my last one with H. H talked about how when she was a little tot her parents were kinda hippies and every saturday morning they would sit her in front of sesame street for like 5 hours, and they would give her some cup of orange juice and she would cry and be like, "I don't want the top that's for babies." but she would spill it every time! she said it was like a subconscious thing that would happen because she would be needing them to take care of her. but they never did, and every morning they would have to clean up OJ from their carpets. I cried after she said that we were each, like, miracles. And also Angelina was having a really hard time with ambivalence and saying how she only had motivation that vague and unsure and I said I felt the same way, but then I talked about seeing this really beautiful sunrise and saying how that was some big motivation. I was like, super crying. :( And so after group H came and put her arms around me and I just cried and I kinda just let myself take it in. Like, at first when someone puts their arms around you you're still all tense, but after a second I just like melted and put my head on her shoulder and cried. It was like really really supportive of her.
I cried really hard when I talked to Alan and told him about Harriet the Spy and how I related to it. Alan is so understanding.
And I cried when I talked to Jaime about how scared I am for being discharged.

*sigh* so much crying! it makes me tired just thinking about it!

but at least i didn't cry during community meeting. i ran it :) we talked about how everyone was just feeling as part of the community. etc.

soooo tomorrow: H said if i write a letter to myself in six months she will send it to me. so i need to do that tomorrow. and i'm going to take a bunch of pictures and make a recovery book. and get my hair done at 11. and clean my room/do laundry. and update my bloggio for a shout out to some peeps (jude, anne, and erin who have been MAJORLY supportive of me!) and teach piano. and maybe go play volleyball tomorrow night!

and try not to think about thursday.

sunday night bliss

so today WAS fantastic in the city with wizzy. i got a superrrrrrr cute shirt from anthropologie thanks to her and we went to union square and people watched and it was perfect.
now im watching one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES The Prince of Egypt. Val Kilmer, Michelle Pfieffer, Martin Short, etc in the cast and Mariah Carey and Whitney Huston sing the main theme song... the soundtrack is amazing. I'm watching it with Cat. We just made birthday cards for my grandma who my dad is going to see in canada. I will miss him this week. but anyway, that was fun, but if you haven't seen the prince of egypt definitely check it out. ALMOST as good as harriet the spy.

i'm scared for php tomorrow. this is my last week. i can't even think about it.

i'm at wizzy's!

sooo right now i am watching iCarly with wizzy's little brother and she is taking a shower and life is good. i love coming over to wizzy's. she is a phenomenal hostess cause she is suuuuper sensitive to others' needs and her family is sooooo nice to me too. yesterday was reallllly good. we went for a really nice walk on mt. tam in marin (she lives in kentfield) and watched looney tunes which is SO FUNNY and chopped and stuff. today we are gonna go into the city and hang out i think. it looks to be a really nice day in regards to weather.
:)

dr. anzai told me today i am endearing because i am so honest about my feelings. he said he would miss me when i leave. imagine that!
right now i really feel like i am gonna be okay.
i know what i want out of life, silly!
there will definitely be hard moments, though. next week will be difficult.
pray for me? :/

this past thursday, and yesterday

whew. thursday was a big day. A came and took me out of weekend planning group to talk. He understands so well everything I'm feeling. He is really remarkable. Anyway, talking with him I cried a lot. We talked about the paths. Death OR Possibility. Those are the two paths.
Then at ten we went back in, and during break and snack H and I talked for a long time. We talked about just going swimming and actually enjoying the water, or going for a hike and enjoying being with someone and nature, rather than how many calories you've burned or what you look like in a bathing suit. that really struck me; it feels so good to enjoy swimming. we talked about forgetting, in her words, "superficial bullshit." we talked about how fun it would be for me just to have my own apartment and do my own thing and how awesome that would be. i dunno. i guess i feel like wednesday night i was really testing her. like, i was really going for her to give up on me. but then on thursday she just spent a lot of time with me. i think that really realllllllly means a lot to me.
anyway, therapeutic lunch was salad bar which went pretty well.
before art therapy, it was chloe's last day, and she played us a song. it was SOOOOOOOOOOO gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. i started crying, it was a really touching moment. just because it was like, all of us, h, a, j, all the girls...just transfixed and being simultaneously moved and everyone was so connected. that was definitely a really special moment.
anyway, so art therapy was "depict 3 qualities of yourself that have nothing to do with physical appearance." most of the time though i spent talking to h and asking her questions about her husband. we asked her how they met and how he proposed etc etc and what he looked like. she gave us some awesome advice. anyway in the last like five minutes i drew a picture of a sun over a lake and to the left of the lake there was a trampoline and a swingset. because i feel like i'm bright and playful but also the lake is really thoughtful. and h was very insightful as usual and was like, "i definitely think you're really thoughtful, but also you can't see very far down into them, but there's a lot going on down there. but i was definitely glad to see the playground."
and in check out i made this completely insane commitment to follow my mealplan this weekend if a) i get a prize from jaime on monday, and b) if H went to the support group on thursday night. UGH bad idea. anyway afterwards, met up with amytron and walked around and got dinnerrrrrr at a salad place and then went to support group OMGOSH IT WAS SO GOOD. sooooooooooooooo gooooooooooo to see pam and lauren and kristine f and jude!!!!!!! it was fantastic to see everyone. seriously. :) omgosh and beforehand i talked with this girl CC and she is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo cooooooooooooooool. she gave me her email address and said i could email her whenever. ALSO H DID COME so yeah basically i have to follow through.
it has been hard. hard hard hard. friday morning woke up and i wasn't hungry AT ALL and no one was even around to help me out. but i did it and then called naomi!! it was fantastic! and called lauren too. then showered and got ready for my dentist appt. hour and a half of pure torture. ugh. then by noon my mouth was still super numb and couldn't eat anything. then by one still numb so i was like ok dad let's go get ensures. then i asked him if we could play a game and he said he had work to do. so i cried. and did the dumb ensures. but i was like, ok, i do not want to feel so shitty so i called daniel and sam and i went and saw alice in wonderland with them. and came home and no one was around and by that time it was like seven thirty and i had to do dinner so i had leftover salad eeeeewwwww but i did get protein and had some bread and milk and fruit.
so that basically encompasses yesterday.
today= saturday. probably gonna shower, teach piano, maybe go for a picnic? play basketball? color and send someone a picture? good plan, self. good plan.

oh, and if you're wondering why i'm trying to communicate a lot more about php lately it's cause i feel like since they're my last few days, i need to capture and remember ALLLLL of it. cause i'm really gonna miss it. a lot.

tea's ready! --H

were long, long days. very exhausting being so full of emotion all the time. but yesterday's check-in was reallly meaningful for me. h said some good stuff. she said thousands of people would kill to have my body. she said my eyes and hair are amazing, and that i'm really lucky how the weight distributed. i really tried to internalize all the good stuff she said about me. we also talked about how i just keep my ED in my "back pocket" for security and stuff. i just feel like she is so, so incredible. cause she knows exactly what to say to me all the time.
continuing throughout the day, yesterday's process group was really intense. d-ise read her first share. waaaaaaaaay intense. and then a new person had a panic attack. it was soooooooooo scary. i was really, really frightened. h talked to me before lunch and we played bumper cars w/ the green chairs hahaha. after lunch i sang some awesoooooooooome songs and everyone was like omgosh like you are such a good singer!!!! i was like, thanks. :) comm meeting was about relationships outside the program and of course h was like, diana what do you have to say about this i was just wondering how you were feeling bla bla bla? but i didn't say anything and we also talked about people being more specific on some things in check-in...
skills group was about self-soothing activities with the five senses. go big papa haha.

lol, one really funny thing that happened during AM snack was JamieL was eating diced pears and then was drinking the juice and was like, this is delicious! and all of a sudden started choking HAHAHA. not that it's a laughing matter, but really even she was laughing about it. she is SO FUNNY.

uuuuuuuuugh but today sucked. really intense day for me just sharing things that happened in the past. H pulled me out of nutrition and we had kinda a heart to heart. talked to her after program too.

then therapy with JH. then taught Ava piano. long day.

as well as not getting home til ten last night after an amazing institute class.
tomorrow= Support Group! Going out w/ amy and wizzy beforehand!

latest liveliness

*sigh* this week has been extremely emotionful. i don't even know where to begin. i guess my primary reason for wanting to post today was because last night my sister Carly and I went and saw a midnight showing of Alice and Wonderland. First off, let me tell you, it was completely brilliant. The actors were all incredible; Alice especially did a phenomenal job. That, as well as the special effects and cinematography (you gotta see it in 3D)-- just completely fantastic.
Anyway, I did get a lot out of it. I felt like one particularly poignant moment was a scene in which the White Queen is supplicating the crowd for a volunteer to fight and destroy the Jabberwocky (the dragon-like beast of the Red Queen). It had previously been prophesied that Alice herself would be the one to do the job. However, at the invitation of the White Queen, Alice is reluctant and doesn't say anything.
The White Queen, in response, says something to the effect of: "Alice, only you can decide to fight this battle, for you cannot live your life for others. Because when the time comes, it will be you and you alone to step in front of the dragon."
That really, really struck me. Just because I feel like so dependent on H and the program to help me fight my battle. But it's true-- I mean, I'm the one who has to decide. And only I can do it for myself. Which really sucks. And it's terrifying. Times a million freaking thousand.
The second moment which I really loved was when Alice was in the heat of the battle with the Jabberwocky. Her father had a saying-- "I can think of six impossible things before breakfast." And Alice started to list some "impossible" things that had already happened in the movie-- animals talking, shrinking, etc. And her sixth one was, "And I can destroy this Jabberwocky." I just really really loved that. Because it does seem impossible at times.

I absolutely needed to see that movie last night; I left PHP feeling completely and unabatedly defeated. It was like a gift from God, that boost in motivation.

Wednesday I had off of PHP. Didn't do much in the morning, but I had a succesful lunch before going to meet with JH. Damn, I mean, it is SO hard to start a new relationship after having such amazing ones before. I know I need to have faith with this, but I can't put into words how difficult it is considering how close and attached I am to H. Anyway, I did make it through...Then met up with Wizzy and Amytron that night for creative night. There was no where else I would have rather been than with them. And the next day was Amytron's birthday so we put up contstruction paper hearts all over her apt with things we love about her written on them! Wednesday night we watched Where the Wild Things are. OKAY, Let me tell you, this movie was about equally as amazing. Seriously, I cried at the end. I think I'm gonna watch it again today because it was that good. :)
Also today I plan on talking to J!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to catch up with her!!!!!!!!!!!! In like less than an hour! She is so so so amazing for taking the time to talk with me, 'cause it's not like she has to. So yay :)
Other plans include cleaning my room, writing my resume and submitting it to at least five craigslist posts, ummm showering, of course, and hopefully going down to the church to play some more basketball.

Next week is going to be absolutely insane. On Monday I have a dentist appt at 2 pm, then at like 4 I have to teach a piano lesson, and then I'll head into the city that night to sleep over at Susan's!, then PHP Tuesday, institute Tuesday night, PHP Wednesday, therapy at 6 pm on Wednesday, then teaching a piano lesson also that night at 7:30, then PHP Thursday, support group Thursday night, and another dentist appt on Friday. Whew.

Yesterday I found out that March 25 is my discharge date. 3 more weeks. I will be completely and utterly devastated, and I'm future fucking myself when I say that post-"graduation" month will be an unquestionable disaster. I feel like each moment there is so invaluable. It was be extremely difficult to leave.

thursday adventures

PHP on thursday was good good. but also sad sad.
at the beginning of art H came up to me and we were just talking and i was crying because of the same issue i talked about in the previous post. :'-( and i told her i just wanted her there, like, in my recovery. and she said: "I'll always be with you. But I can't find you if you're in your disorder." She is the most amazing person ever. Like, honestly it was the most unequivocally perfect thing to say then. And I will never forget it because she said it in the most amazingly kind way. And we just stood there and I cried and she was just with me and was really patient and supportive and I could've taken as long as I needed to and she would've just stayed with me. And finally she said, "But this [insert "funny business"] has to stop. It's kinda getting old." And the way she said it made me laugh through my tears. And it was just a really special moment to me.
And then I actually was brought back into the moment and thought about the art assignment. Which was to depict life in your disorder and life in recovery. And I was having an awfully difficult time thinking about what I wanted to do, and I decided to pick up a piece of white construction paper. I drew a black line down the middle and drew a glass (like a drinking glass) in the middle on both sides. On one side, it was half full. On the other side, it was half empty. I thought this was pretty clever. But the more I thought about it, I mean, I purposely made them look identical. And the more I thought about it, it was like...life can be the same on the outside, but it's really how you feel about it that matters. But also, in my disorder I felt like it was half empty in that I felt like I would never have control bc it controlled me, but I also didn't feel anything so I had hope (half full) that I could feel happy. But in my recovery, I feel hopeful that I can at least have control over my life, but I feel hopeless in that I'll ever be happy. I mean, I am really really depressed.
Anyway, like I said, both sides looked exactly the same. And everyone was giving me feedback and the new Heather was like, "it's kinda funny" and then dumb H was all like, "It's interesting that you describe it as 'funny' Heather bc Diana always tries to laugh and smile and act like everyhing's okay." And she continued by saying, "I'm actually really really scared for you. [Which brought me back to what Monica had said to me earlier that week, see previous post.] You know, you've been here awhile and I'm just really scared that both sides look the same." etc etc etc. Damn her. I mean, I am glad she was honest with me, but it made me really mad! Especially after we had just had that really meaningful talk together. Ugh. So that was hard. :/

Anyway, left PHP and Wizzy was in the lobby waiting for me!!! YAY! It was creative night :D So we bought amytron some prettttty flowers (i.e., wizzy bought them) and headed over to her apt. Had a crazy man cuss us out on Muni, but it was worth it cause immediately thereafter an adonis borded and wizzy told him he was gorgeous and we talked with him for a few minutes and then we got to AMYTRON"S :-D and we played with hair and watched 'lympics and the men's aerials were phenomenal and i just love bein' with them. :) :) :)

anyyyyyway today i saw the dentist and it wasn't too bad.

byeeee for now.

all good things come to an end

so it isn't the end of PHP yet, and i hate dealing with the sadness and fear of leaving it before that even happens, because of course i want to just focus on getting what i can out of it while i can, ya know?
but so yesterday after program i started crying 'cause i just really really want H to be my outside therapist. anyway so then last night didn't go too well, because i was still sad from that a lot, and then in check in H was all like, "You really need to talk about this in group...pinky swear?" bla bla bla...so then at the beginning of group H was kinda highlighting the most important things going on and she mentioned me, and so then she was like, "Who wants to start" and everyone was looking at me. and i just didn't really know what to say! cause seriously it's kinda embarrassing to be like, "heeyyyy everyone i can't do this by myself and i really really really need H to hold my hand bla bla bla" but i did anywayand i was even crying AND THEN MONICA was like "i'm so scared for you cause you totally need H to hold your hand and i'm just worried about you cause you're like a baby" i was like WTF and so to monica i was just like, "whatever" and H was like, "did what monica say make you mad?" and I was like "yeah" and she was like, "why?" and i was like, "UGH cause it was really embarrassing to have to say that and she was not understanding." bla. but then lauren jumped in and was like, "i totally understand you diana cause i'm going through the same thing and i'm really gonna miss dr anzai"
so at least lauren helped. but it was good cause like everyone could relate a lot i guess.
and after process group i just went and laid on the couch and H came and sat next to me and well first she asked me how i get my eyebrows so perfect which was nice, and she said that she isn't the one who is responsible for my recovery and there are other cool people out there i'll connect with and that she is gonna start going to the support groups. which i don't know if it's for me or not but of course that was at least a little nice to hear.

:-C and tonight didn't go very well at all and all i want is for her to be my T and that's alllll. i just don't think it's that much to ask. :-C

PHP today

Soooo. Today was new-Heather's birthday! And she did her first share! I could relate to it a lot, since her family is like mine and stuff.
H got a new haircut :-) And she liked my clip!
I really really cried after program cause I am really gonna miss H.
Yoga I fell asleep in.
Commitment group was suuuuper actually good this week.
Dad isn't working at military.com anymore.
My mouth hurts :-C A lot.

ps i miss amytron. i left her a voicemail and i almost started crying. :-(

catching you up on the latest goings-onsies.....

So last weekend was really good. Went to Dylan's basketball game on Saturday morning...went and saw Dear John on Saturday afternoon with Carly and Cara...On Saturday night, I went to a party at the Institute building in Berkeley. It was really fun! I'm glad I get the chance to meet people my age that go to Cal. There was a fire breather and everything! And we played Apples to Apples, which I lost :-C
On Sunday we went to church from 9-12 and then we had people over that evening for dinner. Since Monday was Presidents' Day, I didn't have PHP, so that morning I had a dentist appt and then at 1 p.m. I met a new potential therapist...which I talked about a couple posts about! Anyway, so I did meet JH. She is nice. I cried a lot, mostly 'cause I'm gonna really miss PHP bunches and bunches. :-C But then that afternoon Dad, Dylan and I went to the church and played basketball! Holy moly smokey boley-- I was swishing like everyyyyy basket! It was incredible! It was soooooo fun 'cause last time I tried to play I wasn't really even strong enough to get the ball to go like five feet. So it was really fun.
I had PHP Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this past week. It all went ok...Wednesday was suuuuuuuuuuuuper sad 'cause all of a sudden we were like, "WTF Today is Amytron's last day?!?!" And I cried. :-C I really miss her and it was really irresponsible the way they just let her go. LAME. But we'll see her on Thursday so it somehow isn't as bad as it possible could be.
Thursday the "theme" was "hiding/pretending"...like how we hide/pretend when we're in our disorder cause bla bla bla the "staff" apparently thought it was an important issue to address. So this coming week H apparently is "strongly encouraging" me to confess some things I feel really badly about myself for doing. UGH THIS SUCKS. I don't want to talk about my bad thingggggsss! >:-O
Anyyyyway, so this three day weekend has been a HUGE success! :-D Friday morning..wake up, breakfast, finish reading that book, did last post, washed dishes, showered, piano'ed it up, read, art, started watching a movie but fell asleep, woke up at five and then went to babysit til midnight. HUGE success, huh!? Oh, also in there I called two people. Which was significant.
Saturday morning...bfasted, washed, then we to Wizzy's! :-D At her dad's we took Wallie for a walk and did lots of art and had dinner and watched the olympics and then i fell asleep. Mmmmmmmmm we slept for twelve hours. It rooooocked. Then today we bfasted and got ready and we with her daddio and her brover to golf and walked and snacked and then came back to her momma's and did some more art and walked some more etc etc it was lovely!! And wizzy bought me a hair clip which is SO cute and her momma gave me a painting which is INCREDIBLE! Am I not the luckiest girl in the whole world!?

I think I am :-D

Siddhartha

So H suggested I read Siddhartha a few weeks ago. I am about finished with it, and I think it is a very profound book. It's a relatively easy read, but it contains an abundance of insightful concepts.
My favorite quotes from it:
"And Siddhartha said softly, as though speaking to himself: 'What is meditative absorption? What is leaving the body? What is fasting? What is holding the breath? These are a flight from the ego, a brief escape from the torment of being an ego, a short-term deadening of the pain and absurdity of life. This same escape, the same momentary deadening, is achieved by the ox driver in an inn when he drinks a bowl of rice wine or fermented coconut milk. Then he no longer feels his self, then he no longer feels the pain of life-- he achieves momentary numbness. Falling asleep over his bowl of rice wine, he reaches the same result Siddhartha and Govinda reach when, through long practice sessions, they escape their bodies and dwell in nonego. That is the way it is, Govinda." (pg. 18-19).
I like this quote because I can apply to my own situation. What do I feel when I engage in my eating disorder? I feel 'momentary numbness.' I no longer feel my self, the pain of life. And as attractive as that lifestyle may sound, it also numbs out anything possibly good out there, as well. :-/

"Slower yet the pondering man walked, asking himself: 'But now what is it that you were trying to learn from teachers and teachings, and what is it that they, though they taught you a lot, could not teach you?' And he found this: It was the ego whose meaning and essence I wanted to learn. It was the ego that I wanted to get rid of, to overcome. But I was unable to overcome it, I could only trick it, could only elude it, could only hide from it. In truth nothing in the world has occupied my thoughts so much as my ego, this enigma that I am alive, that I am unique and separate and distinct from all others, that I am Siddhartha [Diana]! And there is nothing in the world I know less about than me, than Siddhartha [Diana]!
The slowly walking thinker came to a halt altogether, captured by this last thought, and immediately from this thought another sprang, a new thought, which was this: That I know nothing of myself that Siddhartha [Diana] remains so alien and unknown to me-- there is one cause for this, just one: I was afraid of myself, I was running away from myself! I was looking for atman, I was looking for Brahman; I was determined to tear my ego apart, to peel it layer by layer in order to find in its unknown innards the pith behind all the husks, atman, life, the divine, the ultimate. But in the process I myself got lost.
Siddhartha opened his eyes and looked around him. A smile spread over his face, and a profound sensation of awakening from a long dream filled him down to his toes. Immediately he resumed walking, walking fast, like a man who knows what it is he has to do.
Oh, he thought, taking deep breaths, now I will not let Siddhartha [Diana] slip away from my again! No more will the point of departure for my thinking and my life be atman and the suffering of the world. I will no longer kill myself and tear myself to pieces, trying to find the secret beneath the rubble...I will learn from myself, be my own student. I will learn about myself, about the mystery of Siddhartha [Diana].
He looked around him as though he were seeing the world for the first time. The world was beautiful, full of colors, strange and enigmative. Here was blue, here yellow, here green, the sky was in movement and so was the river; the forest was fixed in place and so were the hills-- all beautiful, all mysterious and magical. And in the middle of it all was Siddhartha [Diana], the awakened one, on the path to himself [herself]." (pg 42-43)

I love this quote. I think it's pretty self-explanatory-- the idea of complete excitement of self-discovery. It's just awesome.

"Vasudeva [H] listened with great attention. As he [she] listened, he [she] took everything in, origins and childhood, all the studying, the seeking, all the joys, all the troubles. Of the ferryman's [H's] virtues, this was one of his [her] greatest: He [she] knew how to listen as few people do. Though Vasudeva [H] spoke not a word himself [herself], the speaker felt him [her] receiving his words into himself, quietly, openly, unhurriedly, missing nothing, not jumping ahead through impatience, attributing neither praise nor blame-- just listening. Siddhartha [Diana] felt what happiness can come from opening oneself to such a listener, having one's own life-- one's seeking, one's suffering-- enter this other's heartbeat." (pg 109-110).
I love this one because it reminds me of H. She is such a phenomenal listener. And this quote just articulates so wonderfully the amazing way she listens. And I want to be a good listener, as well.

Anyway, those are my top favorite quotes from this book. I really like it-- I would encourage you to read it if you haven't.

PHP on Tuesday was SO GOOD!

Like I said, PHP on Tuesday was SO GOOD. First cool thing is that a new girl, Heather, came into the program on Friday, and I was kinda talking to her and being like, "How many kids are in your family? Bla bla bla" She was like, "Five...and I'm the second oldest..." I was like, No way! I'm the second oldest too! (Of seven)...Anyway, from that clue I had a sneaky suspicion that she was Mormon, and then on Tuesday after one of Alan's skills groups (cause she had talked in the group about maybe reaching out to people at her church) and so yeah, I asked her what church she went to and she was like, LDS, and I was like, no- way- me- too- omgosh. So that is pretty exciting to have. But also Tuesday while she was talking during process group I could totally relate to everything she said. Which is really, really cool.
Anyway, lots of other cool things also happened. Like in process group H waaaaaaaay helped me cause she is like one of the best therapists ever, and she was talking to me, and I do this thing where I stop and think and I have dialogue in my head but I don't say it, so she kept saying, "What's going on in there? Put your thoughts into words," etc....Which was WAY helpful cause I got SO MUCH OUT. Including I made people cry and Tricia was like, "you're so inspiring!" Which is SO INCREDIBLE TO HEAR. Cause I was like, "I reallllly value my feelings." Etc. So process group was really great.
And also community meeting was SO GOOD cause I brought up SUCH an important issue about things I had been feeling just about feeling betrayed and stuff and H was like, "You've never had any negative feelings towards anyone in the program the whole time you've been here," etc. etc. Which is true. Which was why it was so hard.
Anyway so then I talked to her for a few minutes afterwards, and H is just so dang amazing. I told her I wish she did outpatient stuff, and she said that was her goal! And I asked her if I could come talk to her when she did! And she said yes! So that is suuuuper amazing.

Monday was such a sad day though. Cause it was Elizabeth's last day :( I cried. I miss her. A lot.

Oh but I almost forgot. On Tuesday night I went to institute and met a boy! His name is Daniel and he is an architect major at Cal, and he is on the ballroom team and does art and cooks and he is sooooo nice. He walked me to the Bart station afterwards! And looked me up on facebook. Which is pretty cool. :)
Yesterday I had off PHP :( Stayed home. Cleaned my room. Taught piano. Made a postcard for Sarahhhhh!! A little bit rockier than last week, so that sucked. whatever. Part of that was like, SPIKED ANXIETY about having to meet a new therapist on Monday, whose name also starts with J! We'll call her JH. She sounds nice. I am reluctant though because I will realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly miss PHP.

:(

Off to go do art therapy today! I'll post pics. And therapeutic lunch. :/

happy pictures :)

wow...this is pretty profound...this song came onto pandora right after i wrote that post.

time to say goodbye. to my ed.

Shocked. Amazed. Never, ever, in my wildest dreams...

did I think that I would be able to handle a day at home.

So today was like my first real try-out day off of PHP. I was notified on Tuesday afternoon of this. Which was not ideal. I was really sad, scared, etc....H and I talked for a little while about it though that afternoon. And just things in general. Which really, really helped.

Anyway, then I left the hospital and walked around downtown Berkeley for a little while, through a farmer's market, etc...read Siddhartha in a local Starbucks and got steamed milk with a shot of vanilla in it, which was really good! Then I went to institute!! It was really, really great! The people there were awesome and so so friendly. I'm so glad I went!

So then today. Woke up. Cleaned up the kitchen. Showered/dressed. Played piano for a long long time. Lunched. Read. Watched Bye Bye Birdie :-D and fell asleep. Went for a walk in the afternoon. Taught piano. Dinnered. Went to Michael's to pick up art stuff for my lesson tomorrow. Came back, made a picture and a poem that is awesome.

Good stuff man, good stuff.

One big thing I've been meaning to write that I have learned while in PHP (from H): "The only reason I've been able to stay in recovery is change. I continually challenge myself with new things; by doing this, I reaffirm my abilities."

This week in commitment group on Monday, one of my goals was to do something new every day. Which I have been. Monday I went to the library to check out Siddhartha/wrote a paragraph about why staying home is so hard....Tuesday went to Institute...Today well everything was amazing...Tomorrow art lesson....


This is a very, very important lesson.

one of my all-time favorite quotes

"He smiled understandingly-- much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life..." (The Great Gatsby)

pics from this past weekend

amytron's amazing kitchen!

and this is where walter and i slept

typical friday at PHP

walter chillin' in the lemon tree :)

Some pictures of recent activities :-)

Dylan and I went on a walk a little while ago and we saw a poppy :)

Here is Lake Herman. :)

The Thursday before last we made "self boxes" in Art Therapy. Mine is really bright and glittery on the outside, but the inside is painted black.

Elizabeth and I went for a hike to some waterfalls and I drew a picture of them! Imagination is so fun to use!

Wha?

I always take little water bottles home from PHP :) Also in the picture is the CD Amy helped me make for PHP.....aaaand H gave me a lemon! Aaaaand tricia gave me vanilla rooibus teabags cause she works at Starbucks! She is so sweet!

Sharks game photo ^

K so this weekend has been AMAAAZING! Well yesterday after PHP Amy and I wandered for a little while, over to the Cal campus and then it started raining so then we headed back and stopped in Starbucks and guess who we saw! Tricia! Yay :) So then we met up with Elizabeth at the MacArthur Station and made our way on over to Amy's (she lives in the inner sunset in SF) and we made rice, shrimp, and veggies for our dindin with milk, OF COURSE (cause we alllllways do our mealplan when we're together!) and then watched Whip It which was kindof funny. And we actually went to bed pretty early....then this morning we went to the Beanery and got bagels and cream cheese and juice, and then we went on a hike and it was SO GORGEOUS!!! Then we went down to the Glen Park neighborhood of the city, which Amy said reminded her a lot of Italy, and it was also a really amazing neighborhood, and we got lunch at a "local deli" (as Amy likes to say) and it was just blissful! Then I rode BART home and researched clouds and watched Federer kick Tsonga's booty in tennis which is my favorite sport to watch, and then I hung out with Carly and my SIL Sam and their friend whose name I have forgotten, and then I've just been hanging out doing whatever since then.

Lovely weekend!! :-D

Yesterday, I was happy.

Yesterday was amazing. I was thinking as I got ready, "It's a lot more important about who I am as a person rather than what I look like." Which is really, really true. It makes things easier thinking about life like that.
Some quotes from PHP--
"Enter the ocean, enter the food chain." --Tricia, LOL
At therapeutic lunch (Indian food!) yesterday, Jude was talking about her family: "Yeah, she [my mom] was in a full body cast when she conceived her [Jude's sister]." LOL
After I read my letter, H was like, "You're lovable just the way you are...."
Alan said he read my letter and it made him cry.

Last night Carly, Cara, Daniel and I had a great discussion. Then Carly and Cara left to go watch Dylan's pinewood derby, and Sam and Daniel and I also had a good discussion. <3 my sibs!

And Dad and I watched Seven Pounds last night...SUCH a good movie!

Pictures to come later!

Today was another pretty milestone-ish day. Reading that letter was really intense. I was like, way connected to it. Definitely one of the most emotional days for me at PHP.
I don't know why, but tonight I've actually felt some hope for the future. I mean seriously, I can do anything with my life! It's so exciting! I could go teach English in another country, or get a part time job and take online classes and use free time to go around the Bay Area on fun adventures. I mean, it's pretty freeing really.
This weekend was soooo much fun w/ Elizabeth in Marin! We went on a fun hike and did art and bowled and it was just sooo normal and great.
Last night went out to Vietnamese food w/ Susan in the City and saw The Lovely Bones. Yay!
This weekend...spending the night at Amy's on Fridaaaay yay.

Also, in the process of scheduling w/ new outpatient therapist, and I was about to call her J, but she is not J, she is JH. Which is weird, cause right now I have H. I'll be so sad to leave H, too. :-(

This morning I feel really like I have had an epiphany. These past few days I have felt so hopeless and anxious, etc. I've just been feeling like, "What is so great in life to live it feeling so awful about myself at this weight? I have nothing to live for. Life just has nothing to offer." Etc. Which is obviously an incredibly negative way to think. But yesterday, in check out group, Alan just suggested to me to pursue my imagination, because the previous Friday I had expressed so much fulfillment from doing Drama Therapy and using my imagination.

I really appreciate my own imagination. I value it. I even just love the word: imagination. It's such an incredible thing!, one's imagination. So I decided to start using it for good, instead of bad. Weird concept, huh? I mean, our imaginations can definitely serve of for good or for evil-- we can imagine our lives as some bum on the street with no friends or connections, people judging us for our weight, etc....OR we can imagine our lives being surrounded by people that help us feel good about ourselves! In any atmosphere we want! Improving ourselves by increasing any talent we want! Like playing the guitar! :-) I mean, really, I can IMAGINE that for myself, and it's really exciting!

I'm just really grateful for my imagination. And that instead of imagining myself as some fat ol' ugly messed up person, I can imagine myself achieving things and feeling fulfilled and loving other people and having them love me, too. And loving myself, even.

title-less

Bloggy-oggy-ogg-io,
This weekend has been alright. On Friday I got to talk to J! Hooray! That was great. :-D
Saturday Daniel, Sam, Dylan, Cat, Carly and I went to the San Jose Sharks game because they were playing the Oilers. Unfortunately, the Oilers lost :(
Church today was good. I love my new calling as the Sunbeam teacher!! It is SO GREAT!
Last week PHP was good every day. Friday I was reminded about being human, which really really struck me. Like, I can actually allow myself to be human. Humans eat. Humans make mistakes. Accept that. Not that eating is a mistake. That was worded weirdly. Anyway, there ya go, an example of me being human ^.

This past week I've also started reframing a lot of the things that come out of my mouth; I can do that when I recognize my cognitive distortions, which we talked about on Wednesday and that was very helpful.

Thursday night before support group, Amy and I hung out and went on swings and it was so fun! Then we met up w/ Bay and Elliot and went to Herbivore for dinner and I got this ceviche salad thing which was okay...not great...but at support group, I saw a friend who is really having a hard time and is really in her disorder. That was really, really, realllllly hard for me. On Friday I really wanted to throw in the towel. But I've been thinking loads about that this weekend. And I thought of an analogy. I think that going through this process is a lot like being in a marathon. It's a really, really, really hard thing to do-- even HARDER, I think, than being in a marathon. And all the other people in the program going through it with you are in the race as well. And the people who just give up to fighting their Eds are the runners who give up and stand along the sides of the race, and don't go anywhere in life. And for the people still running, it's REALLY really really hard for them to see their friends do that. And that's why it's so important to stick with the people who are experienced runners, because they understand what you're going through, and they'll definitely help you make it to the end.

So yeah, that's my analogy.
I definitely way way way way waaaaay hate my body. Times a million. I do want to quit all the time. But I know I won't. But that doesn't change the fact that I do want to quit. And I need help not to.

Today was great.
I was really anxious about going to PHP today because of how poorly this weekend went (which is why I thought that I might be doing inpatient) but alas! I have proved my motivation is genuine and so I don't have to. Yaaaaay!
Highlights:

• H talking to me pre-lunch for like 20+ mins. She told me that I am special and awesome and I could do what she does! And that she sees something in me.
  
• Leslie is SO THOUGHTFUL! Last week at one of the lunches I had been asking her about poetry or something, and she remembered and saw something on Craigslist that made her think of me! And she printed it out and left it on my lunch tray! She is so sweet!
• Chloe played guitar and sang for us after lunch. It was amazing; she is really really talented and doesn't even realize it.
  
• H talking to Amy and me post-PHP and telling us all this cool stuff and that we could basically be running the program. Aaaaand we talked til like 5. Which was awesome.

So now tonight I have had dinner. And snack. And why the fuck am I SOOOO full.....It feels like more full than at PHP. And it's reallllly hard to deal with. :( Pleaseeeee I don't know what to do. This is SO hard. I feel like tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and be like 20 lbs + heavier. And I know that's not true. But that's how it feels.
I'm really close to target weight, so it's like this is the worst part. Because I'm basically there and I hate hate hate hate it. They're such assholes for not letting me maintain already. Fuuuuuuck. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. I don't know how to deeeeeal with this. Gay gay gay gay.

PHP

Today I was reflecting on the time I have spent in PHP. It has, unquestionably, been incredibly difficult. Yet it has also been the best period of my life since some fun middle school times. (Although there were some good times in high school, too, I guess...) The authenticity I have been able to experience there has been really, really incredible. The support I have gotten there is extraordinary. I can never really express how grateful I am to be having this amazing time. I really, really, really love PHP. I just want to journal really quick about all the phenomenal people I have met there.
First getting there, there was:
(in patient with me): Rebecca, Jessica, Antoinette, and Beverly. In PHP there was Christine L, Naomi, Baylee, Kristine F, Johanna.
While I was still inpatient, we added Paula, Pam, Elizabeth.
Barely in the outside world I went, Amy and Lauren went inpatient.
Subsequently, many people have come and gone. Jone. Pearl. Marion. Kay. Trisha. Christina.
Now we have some new people. Chloe. Erin. Judy. Monica. Lisa. Jeanette. Christina. Mikayla.

I know I'm probably missing a few. But these people are so amazing. It is SO incredible to truly get to know someone.

Not to mention the staff. Heather. Nancy S, Nancy P, Jaime!, Leslie!, Alan, Tasha.

SOoooo I want to record some awesome stuff that will help me remember the good times.
Jumping on couches.
Walter.
"I see you." -Heather, after my first share
Microwave dance.
Animal karate thing with Geoff?
Chaser. "I'm gonna chase check in with process group...." Amy
"I love you Jenny" in Forrest Gump voice...Lauren
fun pens of elizabeth :)
Super inspiring Thursday aka dec 10 when I decided to sign my *first* contract haha but then Lauren admitted to doing, er, stuff...
the time when i wanted to give up and Christina was walking out the door and she said, "I'm not just saying that. I really meant it."
when i was super happy to see Christine L one morning and she said that made her day!
Heather telling me that everyone liked the CD i made, even people in IOP.
when i YELLED "FUCK EVERYONE" at catherine one friday in check out AND threw a finger puppet (poor walter) across the room while talking to jaime d...
laughing in drama therapy with kay and lauren :)
hanging out with elizabeth and elizabeth and amy
sleeping over at naomi's
crashing a car
getting un-engaged. :(
dad being REALLY supportive and also sometimes not so much feeling that way...
worry dolls from amy
angry notebook from elizabeth
cards from paula, rebecca, and kay
nancy s: "that bitch" LOL

i'm sure i'll keep adding to this. i might have to go back into the hospital on monday :( i just hope this post embodies how amazing i feel about PHP...