-i first got out of the hospital at the end of october. it was halloween. i won't ever forget h's CRAZY WEIRD halloween costume. and at that point i wasn't that close to her and i was like, "who IS this crazy lady?" hahahaha
- my first share. i remember where i sat, what i was wearing, who was there. and at the end, h saying, "no one is gonna walk by you if you're crying. i see you." and in that instant i was so hooked.
- a week of so later when i really stayed after she made me write down on a piece of paper what had really been going on with behaviors while at php.
- daniel's wedding happened
- thanksgiving sucked
- dec 10. that was a big day. "come to jesus meeting." i remember h taking me out of process group. whew. i remember what i was wearing, what she was wearing. and she was trying to get me to sign that contract and she was like, "So do you think i'm just like a whale?" lol i really remember her saying that! and right away i was like, "no!"
gosh, there are just soooo many memories.
-letter to my mom
- art when she first told me she will always be there with me
i wish i just had every moment of php documented.
really, it was great.
i need to also shout out to my peeps. definitely to erin and anne and jude. they've really been there for me the past couple of weeks. and tricia omgosh too. goooosh i love all my girls. i miss lauren a lot. she really built me up by telling me i inspired her.
i miss php already. :(((((
Sunday, March 28, 2010
there are no words
there are no words to express how sad i am that php is over. it was the best experience of my life.
thursday was so sad. i cried basically the whole day. like in weekend planning with jaime. and then alan pulled me out and i signed the discharge papers and we talked and i cried more. and then process group. started off by other peeps talking about getting support for some behaviors rather than others. the whole time though i was mostly just trying to get my thoughts together about what i wanted to say in my goodbye. i just tried to say that i was really grateful for the experience...to be able to witness so much divinity in each person that i saw go through there and to be able to connect with so many amazing women. it has been a really, truly incredible experience. and then i started talking about how everyone at times had seen me seriously hopeless, but at least thursday, in that moment, i felt a lot of hope. and right before i said the word "hope," h walked in to listen to my goodbye and i started crying really a lot. i felt hope because i really just want to internalize the entire experience. SO MUCH positive reinforcement. everyone always telling me how awesome i am--i mean, who would ever think negatively about themselves if that was all they heard? and that is what i had for 5 1/2 months. positive reinforcement, validation...people listening...caring. so i DO want to internalize that. it's really incredible.
and then everyone started going around saying their specific goodbye to me. jan started it off. which was awesome, cause she has definitely been there and seen me since day one. it was like seeing someone grow up. and then next monica said some really sweet stuff about how i'm an awesome singer and she brought up this one experience about how we had been sitting in check-in and i had said to her with a lot of love, "monica, it's ok to cry." and she talked about how much that meant to her. then jeannette looked at me and started crying and i re-started crying a lot and her and i kinda just cried together for awhile. that was hard. we have been through a lot together, jeannette and i. she had been there the second longest. she said some amazing stuff to me as well. and then angelina talked to me about how at her first therapeutic lunch she was SUUUUper anxious and overwhelmed, and i noticed and i didn't say anything, i just tried to help her by handing her a plate. that was really sweet that she remembered that. erin talked to me about how awesome i was, too. i just love all of them! i wish everyone had had time to talk to me. but by that point we were really short on time, and so alan intervened and asked h to say some last words.
and she did.
h started out by talking about how i had had so little time in the hospital, and it was amazing how well i have done considering everything. she talked about the first time i talked in process group (I was sitting in the same spot), about how i wanted to be a really great mom. and she said she thought that it really came from my heart. and lastly she said, "and i will miss you terribly."
and i will never forget how she said it. it was the most heart wrenching, sincere, most wonderful thing she could have said. because she always says the right thing.
and then it was over. and everyone clapped (which was kinda funny). and afterwards, h came and told me i could pick the directive for art that afternoon. and jaime was talking to me about her memories of me. which made me laugh. and then we had TL which sucked it was caf but whatevs. there was a lame opera singer.
then had my last chat with dr anzai. then art. i chose, "depict your most wonderful, carefree, happy day." and we listened to the CD i made. and h made my card-- white with blue glitter letters. and then she came over and she drew a picture of the sun rising. and she gave it to me. the whole while i was just sitting next to her trying not to cry but basically the cry look was on my face. it's just SO painful to think about those being some of my last moments with her. around 2:10ish she asked me if i wanted to help her plant the tomato plant. so her and i went to the deck and i took the plant out and she filled a bigger pot with some soil and i put it in and she put more soil on top. she asked me what we should name it. i suggested tobias-- tobias the tomato plant. i told her i didn't feel like i could do it without her. and she said, "well here's the thing i've been trying to tell you: that you don't have to. you have walter. and you can basically think of him as me. i'll always be with you. you know, when you become a therapist. i'll be there." then we went inside and shared art and she talked about her art and how she felt connected to the sun and nature and i was really happy that she gave it to me. and when we were all done sharing she gave me a hug. and then i asked for another one. and then we were all getting snacks ready and i was crying soooooooo much cause she wasn't doing check out but she went to give erin a hug and then i wanted another one. and then i was sitting at the snack table and before she left she came and gave me a hug and i was holding onto her pretty tight cause that was the last one for sure. and then she walked out and while the door was closing she was looking at me with that most understanding face where you bring your chin closer to your neck and yeah. and then the door closed.
leslie came over to me and gave me the sweetest, most gentle hug a person can give someone. like the kind where you rub their back and your body language is basically saying, everything is going to be okay. i was really grateful for that cause it was realllly what i needed. leslie is so very understanding. because i mean i was literally devastated.
check out. afterwards i gave jan like a million hugs. and debbie. and angelina. and TRICIA who had made me an AWESOME card and everyone had signed it and i love it dearly. and jeannette. and erin. :( and alan gave me a hug and let me write on the white board for the next day. and i left my HOPE picture book there that i had made on wednesday.
that night i was lucky enough to have such an amazing friend wizzy to take care of me. for that i am forever grateful <3 wizzy.
i went home and cried really hard. fell asleep crying. didn't wake up the next morning til right in time to get to my dentist appt on time at 11. came home, showered, went and saw the new dietitian, M. went well, she helped me actually realize i better get something in me friday. saturday another dentist appt, then went to my lil brother's baseball game. then went to the park and read and talked to amytron. admittedly, it was a beautiful day. but i didn't feel like it inside. i feel like i have lost the sun above me.
i miss h.
thursday was so sad. i cried basically the whole day. like in weekend planning with jaime. and then alan pulled me out and i signed the discharge papers and we talked and i cried more. and then process group. started off by other peeps talking about getting support for some behaviors rather than others. the whole time though i was mostly just trying to get my thoughts together about what i wanted to say in my goodbye. i just tried to say that i was really grateful for the experience...to be able to witness so much divinity in each person that i saw go through there and to be able to connect with so many amazing women. it has been a really, truly incredible experience. and then i started talking about how everyone at times had seen me seriously hopeless, but at least thursday, in that moment, i felt a lot of hope. and right before i said the word "hope," h walked in to listen to my goodbye and i started crying really a lot. i felt hope because i really just want to internalize the entire experience. SO MUCH positive reinforcement. everyone always telling me how awesome i am--i mean, who would ever think negatively about themselves if that was all they heard? and that is what i had for 5 1/2 months. positive reinforcement, validation...people listening...caring. so i DO want to internalize that. it's really incredible.
and then everyone started going around saying their specific goodbye to me. jan started it off. which was awesome, cause she has definitely been there and seen me since day one. it was like seeing someone grow up. and then next monica said some really sweet stuff about how i'm an awesome singer and she brought up this one experience about how we had been sitting in check-in and i had said to her with a lot of love, "monica, it's ok to cry." and she talked about how much that meant to her. then jeannette looked at me and started crying and i re-started crying a lot and her and i kinda just cried together for awhile. that was hard. we have been through a lot together, jeannette and i. she had been there the second longest. she said some amazing stuff to me as well. and then angelina talked to me about how at her first therapeutic lunch she was SUUUUper anxious and overwhelmed, and i noticed and i didn't say anything, i just tried to help her by handing her a plate. that was really sweet that she remembered that. erin talked to me about how awesome i was, too. i just love all of them! i wish everyone had had time to talk to me. but by that point we were really short on time, and so alan intervened and asked h to say some last words.
and she did.
h started out by talking about how i had had so little time in the hospital, and it was amazing how well i have done considering everything. she talked about the first time i talked in process group (I was sitting in the same spot), about how i wanted to be a really great mom. and she said she thought that it really came from my heart. and lastly she said, "and i will miss you terribly."
and i will never forget how she said it. it was the most heart wrenching, sincere, most wonderful thing she could have said. because she always says the right thing.
and then it was over. and everyone clapped (which was kinda funny). and afterwards, h came and told me i could pick the directive for art that afternoon. and jaime was talking to me about her memories of me. which made me laugh. and then we had TL which sucked it was caf but whatevs. there was a lame opera singer.
then had my last chat with dr anzai. then art. i chose, "depict your most wonderful, carefree, happy day." and we listened to the CD i made. and h made my card-- white with blue glitter letters. and then she came over and she drew a picture of the sun rising. and she gave it to me. the whole while i was just sitting next to her trying not to cry but basically the cry look was on my face. it's just SO painful to think about those being some of my last moments with her. around 2:10ish she asked me if i wanted to help her plant the tomato plant. so her and i went to the deck and i took the plant out and she filled a bigger pot with some soil and i put it in and she put more soil on top. she asked me what we should name it. i suggested tobias-- tobias the tomato plant. i told her i didn't feel like i could do it without her. and she said, "well here's the thing i've been trying to tell you: that you don't have to. you have walter. and you can basically think of him as me. i'll always be with you. you know, when you become a therapist. i'll be there." then we went inside and shared art and she talked about her art and how she felt connected to the sun and nature and i was really happy that she gave it to me. and when we were all done sharing she gave me a hug. and then i asked for another one. and then we were all getting snacks ready and i was crying soooooooo much cause she wasn't doing check out but she went to give erin a hug and then i wanted another one. and then i was sitting at the snack table and before she left she came and gave me a hug and i was holding onto her pretty tight cause that was the last one for sure. and then she walked out and while the door was closing she was looking at me with that most understanding face where you bring your chin closer to your neck and yeah. and then the door closed.
leslie came over to me and gave me the sweetest, most gentle hug a person can give someone. like the kind where you rub their back and your body language is basically saying, everything is going to be okay. i was really grateful for that cause it was realllly what i needed. leslie is so very understanding. because i mean i was literally devastated.
check out. afterwards i gave jan like a million hugs. and debbie. and angelina. and TRICIA who had made me an AWESOME card and everyone had signed it and i love it dearly. and jeannette. and erin. :( and alan gave me a hug and let me write on the white board for the next day. and i left my HOPE picture book there that i had made on wednesday.
that night i was lucky enough to have such an amazing friend wizzy to take care of me. for that i am forever grateful <3 wizzy.
i went home and cried really hard. fell asleep crying. didn't wake up the next morning til right in time to get to my dentist appt on time at 11. came home, showered, went and saw the new dietitian, M. went well, she helped me actually realize i better get something in me friday. saturday another dentist appt, then went to my lil brother's baseball game. then went to the park and read and talked to amytron. admittedly, it was a beautiful day. but i didn't feel like it inside. i feel like i have lost the sun above me.
i miss h.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Normal...
normal is: having a bad hair day. accidentally running a red light and getting a $350 ticket. having some piece of retarded clothing not fit. tossing trash in the garbage can and missing. writing an entire blog entry and saving it, all to find it got erased.
today in process group we talked about what is normal? that was after having heard whitney's first share and i practically had a break down just because it was so heart wrenching. i actually cried during most of the group because it was my last one with H. H talked about how when she was a little tot her parents were kinda hippies and every saturday morning they would sit her in front of sesame street for like 5 hours, and they would give her some cup of orange juice and she would cry and be like, "I don't want the top that's for babies." but she would spill it every time! she said it was like a subconscious thing that would happen because she would be needing them to take care of her. but they never did, and every morning they would have to clean up OJ from their carpets. I cried after she said that we were each, like, miracles. And also Angelina was having a really hard time with ambivalence and saying how she only had motivation that vague and unsure and I said I felt the same way, but then I talked about seeing this really beautiful sunrise and saying how that was some big motivation. I was like, super crying. :( And so after group H came and put her arms around me and I just cried and I kinda just let myself take it in. Like, at first when someone puts their arms around you you're still all tense, but after a second I just like melted and put my head on her shoulder and cried. It was like really really supportive of her.
I cried really hard when I talked to Alan and told him about Harriet the Spy and how I related to it. Alan is so understanding.
And I cried when I talked to Jaime about how scared I am for being discharged.
*sigh* so much crying! it makes me tired just thinking about it!
but at least i didn't cry during community meeting. i ran it :) we talked about how everyone was just feeling as part of the community. etc.
soooo tomorrow: H said if i write a letter to myself in six months she will send it to me. so i need to do that tomorrow. and i'm going to take a bunch of pictures and make a recovery book. and get my hair done at 11. and clean my room/do laundry. and update my bloggio for a shout out to some peeps (jude, anne, and erin who have been MAJORLY supportive of me!) and teach piano. and maybe go play volleyball tomorrow night!
and try not to think about thursday.
today in process group we talked about what is normal? that was after having heard whitney's first share and i practically had a break down just because it was so heart wrenching. i actually cried during most of the group because it was my last one with H. H talked about how when she was a little tot her parents were kinda hippies and every saturday morning they would sit her in front of sesame street for like 5 hours, and they would give her some cup of orange juice and she would cry and be like, "I don't want the top that's for babies." but she would spill it every time! she said it was like a subconscious thing that would happen because she would be needing them to take care of her. but they never did, and every morning they would have to clean up OJ from their carpets. I cried after she said that we were each, like, miracles. And also Angelina was having a really hard time with ambivalence and saying how she only had motivation that vague and unsure and I said I felt the same way, but then I talked about seeing this really beautiful sunrise and saying how that was some big motivation. I was like, super crying. :( And so after group H came and put her arms around me and I just cried and I kinda just let myself take it in. Like, at first when someone puts their arms around you you're still all tense, but after a second I just like melted and put my head on her shoulder and cried. It was like really really supportive of her.
I cried really hard when I talked to Alan and told him about Harriet the Spy and how I related to it. Alan is so understanding.
And I cried when I talked to Jaime about how scared I am for being discharged.
*sigh* so much crying! it makes me tired just thinking about it!
but at least i didn't cry during community meeting. i ran it :) we talked about how everyone was just feeling as part of the community. etc.
soooo tomorrow: H said if i write a letter to myself in six months she will send it to me. so i need to do that tomorrow. and i'm going to take a bunch of pictures and make a recovery book. and get my hair done at 11. and clean my room/do laundry. and update my bloggio for a shout out to some peeps (jude, anne, and erin who have been MAJORLY supportive of me!) and teach piano. and maybe go play volleyball tomorrow night!
and try not to think about thursday.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
sunday night bliss
so today WAS fantastic in the city with wizzy. i got a superrrrrrr cute shirt from anthropologie thanks to her and we went to union square and people watched and it was perfect.
now im watching one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES The Prince of Egypt. Val Kilmer, Michelle Pfieffer, Martin Short, etc in the cast and Mariah Carey and Whitney Huston sing the main theme song... the soundtrack is amazing. I'm watching it with Cat. We just made birthday cards for my grandma who my dad is going to see in canada. I will miss him this week. but anyway, that was fun, but if you haven't seen the prince of egypt definitely check it out. ALMOST as good as harriet the spy.
i'm scared for php tomorrow. this is my last week. i can't even think about it.
now im watching one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES The Prince of Egypt. Val Kilmer, Michelle Pfieffer, Martin Short, etc in the cast and Mariah Carey and Whitney Huston sing the main theme song... the soundtrack is amazing. I'm watching it with Cat. We just made birthday cards for my grandma who my dad is going to see in canada. I will miss him this week. but anyway, that was fun, but if you haven't seen the prince of egypt definitely check it out. ALMOST as good as harriet the spy.
i'm scared for php tomorrow. this is my last week. i can't even think about it.
i'm at wizzy's!
sooo right now i am watching iCarly with wizzy's little brother and she is taking a shower and life is good. i love coming over to wizzy's. she is a phenomenal hostess cause she is suuuuper sensitive to others' needs and her family is sooooo nice to me too. yesterday was reallllly good. we went for a really nice walk on mt. tam in marin (she lives in kentfield) and watched looney tunes which is SO FUNNY and chopped and stuff. today we are gonna go into the city and hang out i think. it looks to be a really nice day in regards to weather.
:)
:)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
dr. anzai told me today i am endearing because i am so honest about my feelings. he said he would miss me when i leave. imagine that!
right now i really feel like i am gonna be okay.
i know what i want out of life, silly!
there will definitely be hard moments, though. next week will be difficult.
pray for me? :/
right now i really feel like i am gonna be okay.
i know what i want out of life, silly!
there will definitely be hard moments, though. next week will be difficult.
pray for me? :/
Saturday, March 13, 2010
this past thursday, and yesterday
whew. thursday was a big day. A came and took me out of weekend planning group to talk. He understands so well everything I'm feeling. He is really remarkable. Anyway, talking with him I cried a lot. We talked about the paths. Death OR Possibility. Those are the two paths.
Then at ten we went back in, and during break and snack H and I talked for a long time. We talked about just going swimming and actually enjoying the water, or going for a hike and enjoying being with someone and nature, rather than how many calories you've burned or what you look like in a bathing suit. that really struck me; it feels so good to enjoy swimming. we talked about forgetting, in her words, "superficial bullshit." we talked about how fun it would be for me just to have my own apartment and do my own thing and how awesome that would be. i dunno. i guess i feel like wednesday night i was really testing her. like, i was really going for her to give up on me. but then on thursday she just spent a lot of time with me. i think that really realllllllly means a lot to me.
anyway, therapeutic lunch was salad bar which went pretty well.
before art therapy, it was chloe's last day, and she played us a song. it was SOOOOOOOOOOO gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. i started crying, it was a really touching moment. just because it was like, all of us, h, a, j, all the girls...just transfixed and being simultaneously moved and everyone was so connected. that was definitely a really special moment.
anyway, so art therapy was "depict 3 qualities of yourself that have nothing to do with physical appearance." most of the time though i spent talking to h and asking her questions about her husband. we asked her how they met and how he proposed etc etc and what he looked like. she gave us some awesome advice. anyway in the last like five minutes i drew a picture of a sun over a lake and to the left of the lake there was a trampoline and a swingset. because i feel like i'm bright and playful but also the lake is really thoughtful. and h was very insightful as usual and was like, "i definitely think you're really thoughtful, but also you can't see very far down into them, but there's a lot going on down there. but i was definitely glad to see the playground."
and in check out i made this completely insane commitment to follow my mealplan this weekend if a) i get a prize from jaime on monday, and b) if H went to the support group on thursday night. UGH bad idea. anyway afterwards, met up with amytron and walked around and got dinnerrrrrr at a salad place and then went to support group OMGOSH IT WAS SO GOOD. sooooooooooooooo gooooooooooo to see pam and lauren and kristine f and jude!!!!!!! it was fantastic to see everyone. seriously. :) omgosh and beforehand i talked with this girl CC and she is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo cooooooooooooooool. she gave me her email address and said i could email her whenever. ALSO H DID COME so yeah basically i have to follow through.
it has been hard. hard hard hard. friday morning woke up and i wasn't hungry AT ALL and no one was even around to help me out. but i did it and then called naomi!! it was fantastic! and called lauren too. then showered and got ready for my dentist appt. hour and a half of pure torture. ugh. then by noon my mouth was still super numb and couldn't eat anything. then by one still numb so i was like ok dad let's go get ensures. then i asked him if we could play a game and he said he had work to do. so i cried. and did the dumb ensures. but i was like, ok, i do not want to feel so shitty so i called daniel and sam and i went and saw alice in wonderland with them. and came home and no one was around and by that time it was like seven thirty and i had to do dinner so i had leftover salad eeeeewwwww but i did get protein and had some bread and milk and fruit.
so that basically encompasses yesterday.
today= saturday. probably gonna shower, teach piano, maybe go for a picnic? play basketball? color and send someone a picture? good plan, self. good plan.
oh, and if you're wondering why i'm trying to communicate a lot more about php lately it's cause i feel like since they're my last few days, i need to capture and remember ALLLLL of it. cause i'm really gonna miss it. a lot.
Then at ten we went back in, and during break and snack H and I talked for a long time. We talked about just going swimming and actually enjoying the water, or going for a hike and enjoying being with someone and nature, rather than how many calories you've burned or what you look like in a bathing suit. that really struck me; it feels so good to enjoy swimming. we talked about forgetting, in her words, "superficial bullshit." we talked about how fun it would be for me just to have my own apartment and do my own thing and how awesome that would be. i dunno. i guess i feel like wednesday night i was really testing her. like, i was really going for her to give up on me. but then on thursday she just spent a lot of time with me. i think that really realllllllly means a lot to me.
anyway, therapeutic lunch was salad bar which went pretty well.
before art therapy, it was chloe's last day, and she played us a song. it was SOOOOOOOOOOO gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. i started crying, it was a really touching moment. just because it was like, all of us, h, a, j, all the girls...just transfixed and being simultaneously moved and everyone was so connected. that was definitely a really special moment.
anyway, so art therapy was "depict 3 qualities of yourself that have nothing to do with physical appearance." most of the time though i spent talking to h and asking her questions about her husband. we asked her how they met and how he proposed etc etc and what he looked like. she gave us some awesome advice. anyway in the last like five minutes i drew a picture of a sun over a lake and to the left of the lake there was a trampoline and a swingset. because i feel like i'm bright and playful but also the lake is really thoughtful. and h was very insightful as usual and was like, "i definitely think you're really thoughtful, but also you can't see very far down into them, but there's a lot going on down there. but i was definitely glad to see the playground."
and in check out i made this completely insane commitment to follow my mealplan this weekend if a) i get a prize from jaime on monday, and b) if H went to the support group on thursday night. UGH bad idea. anyway afterwards, met up with amytron and walked around and got dinnerrrrrr at a salad place and then went to support group OMGOSH IT WAS SO GOOD. sooooooooooooooo gooooooooooo to see pam and lauren and kristine f and jude!!!!!!! it was fantastic to see everyone. seriously. :) omgosh and beforehand i talked with this girl CC and she is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo cooooooooooooooool. she gave me her email address and said i could email her whenever. ALSO H DID COME so yeah basically i have to follow through.
it has been hard. hard hard hard. friday morning woke up and i wasn't hungry AT ALL and no one was even around to help me out. but i did it and then called naomi!! it was fantastic! and called lauren too. then showered and got ready for my dentist appt. hour and a half of pure torture. ugh. then by noon my mouth was still super numb and couldn't eat anything. then by one still numb so i was like ok dad let's go get ensures. then i asked him if we could play a game and he said he had work to do. so i cried. and did the dumb ensures. but i was like, ok, i do not want to feel so shitty so i called daniel and sam and i went and saw alice in wonderland with them. and came home and no one was around and by that time it was like seven thirty and i had to do dinner so i had leftover salad eeeeewwwww but i did get protein and had some bread and milk and fruit.
so that basically encompasses yesterday.
today= saturday. probably gonna shower, teach piano, maybe go for a picnic? play basketball? color and send someone a picture? good plan, self. good plan.
oh, and if you're wondering why i'm trying to communicate a lot more about php lately it's cause i feel like since they're my last few days, i need to capture and remember ALLLLL of it. cause i'm really gonna miss it. a lot.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
tea's ready! --H
were long, long days. very exhausting being so full of emotion all the time. but yesterday's check-in was reallly meaningful for me. h said some good stuff. she said thousands of people would kill to have my body. she said my eyes and hair are amazing, and that i'm really lucky how the weight distributed. i really tried to internalize all the good stuff she said about me. we also talked about how i just keep my ED in my "back pocket" for security and stuff. i just feel like she is so, so incredible. cause she knows exactly what to say to me all the time.
continuing throughout the day, yesterday's process group was really intense. d-ise read her first share. waaaaaaaaay intense. and then a new person had a panic attack. it was soooooooooo scary. i was really, really frightened. h talked to me before lunch and we played bumper cars w/ the green chairs hahaha. after lunch i sang some awesoooooooooome songs and everyone was like omgosh like you are such a good singer!!!! i was like, thanks. :) comm meeting was about relationships outside the program and of course h was like, diana what do you have to say about this i was just wondering how you were feeling bla bla bla? but i didn't say anything and we also talked about people being more specific on some things in check-in...
skills group was about self-soothing activities with the five senses. go big papa haha.
lol, one really funny thing that happened during AM snack was JamieL was eating diced pears and then was drinking the juice and was like, this is delicious! and all of a sudden started choking HAHAHA. not that it's a laughing matter, but really even she was laughing about it. she is SO FUNNY.
uuuuuuuuugh but today sucked. really intense day for me just sharing things that happened in the past. H pulled me out of nutrition and we had kinda a heart to heart. talked to her after program too.
then therapy with JH. then taught Ava piano. long day.
as well as not getting home til ten last night after an amazing institute class.
tomorrow= Support Group! Going out w/ amy and wizzy beforehand!
continuing throughout the day, yesterday's process group was really intense. d-ise read her first share. waaaaaaaaay intense. and then a new person had a panic attack. it was soooooooooo scary. i was really, really frightened. h talked to me before lunch and we played bumper cars w/ the green chairs hahaha. after lunch i sang some awesoooooooooome songs and everyone was like omgosh like you are such a good singer!!!! i was like, thanks. :) comm meeting was about relationships outside the program and of course h was like, diana what do you have to say about this i was just wondering how you were feeling bla bla bla? but i didn't say anything and we also talked about people being more specific on some things in check-in...
skills group was about self-soothing activities with the five senses. go big papa haha.
lol, one really funny thing that happened during AM snack was JamieL was eating diced pears and then was drinking the juice and was like, this is delicious! and all of a sudden started choking HAHAHA. not that it's a laughing matter, but really even she was laughing about it. she is SO FUNNY.
uuuuuuuuugh but today sucked. really intense day for me just sharing things that happened in the past. H pulled me out of nutrition and we had kinda a heart to heart. talked to her after program too.
then therapy with JH. then taught Ava piano. long day.
as well as not getting home til ten last night after an amazing institute class.
tomorrow= Support Group! Going out w/ amy and wizzy beforehand!
Friday, March 5, 2010
latest liveliness
*sigh* this week has been extremely emotionful. i don't even know where to begin. i guess my primary reason for wanting to post today was because last night my sister Carly and I went and saw a midnight showing of Alice and Wonderland. First off, let me tell you, it was completely brilliant. The actors were all incredible; Alice especially did a phenomenal job. That, as well as the special effects and cinematography (you gotta see it in 3D)-- just completely fantastic.
Anyway, I did get a lot out of it. I felt like one particularly poignant moment was a scene in which the White Queen is supplicating the crowd for a volunteer to fight and destroy the Jabberwocky (the dragon-like beast of the Red Queen). It had previously been prophesied that Alice herself would be the one to do the job. However, at the invitation of the White Queen, Alice is reluctant and doesn't say anything.
The White Queen, in response, says something to the effect of: "Alice, only you can decide to fight this battle, for you cannot live your life for others. Because when the time comes, it will be you and you alone to step in front of the dragon."
That really, really struck me. Just because I feel like so dependent on H and the program to help me fight my battle. But it's true-- I mean, I'm the one who has to decide. And only I can do it for myself. Which really sucks. And it's terrifying. Times a million freaking thousand.
The second moment which I really loved was when Alice was in the heat of the battle with the Jabberwocky. Her father had a saying-- "I can think of six impossible things before breakfast." And Alice started to list some "impossible" things that had already happened in the movie-- animals talking, shrinking, etc. And her sixth one was, "And I can destroy this Jabberwocky." I just really really loved that. Because it does seem impossible at times.
I absolutely needed to see that movie last night; I left PHP feeling completely and unabatedly defeated. It was like a gift from God, that boost in motivation.
Wednesday I had off of PHP. Didn't do much in the morning, but I had a succesful lunch before going to meet with JH. Damn, I mean, it is SO hard to start a new relationship after having such amazing ones before. I know I need to have faith with this, but I can't put into words how difficult it is considering how close and attached I am to H. Anyway, I did make it through...Then met up with Wizzy and Amytron that night for creative night. There was no where else I would have rather been than with them. And the next day was Amytron's birthday so we put up contstruction paper hearts all over her apt with things we love about her written on them! Wednesday night we watched Where the Wild Things are. OKAY, Let me tell you, this movie was about equally as amazing. Seriously, I cried at the end. I think I'm gonna watch it again today because it was that good. :)
Also today I plan on talking to J!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to catch up with her!!!!!!!!!!!! In like less than an hour! She is so so so amazing for taking the time to talk with me, 'cause it's not like she has to. So yay :)
Other plans include cleaning my room, writing my resume and submitting it to at least five craigslist posts, ummm showering, of course, and hopefully going down to the church to play some more basketball.
Next week is going to be absolutely insane. On Monday I have a dentist appt at 2 pm, then at like 4 I have to teach a piano lesson, and then I'll head into the city that night to sleep over at Susan's!, then PHP Tuesday, institute Tuesday night, PHP Wednesday, therapy at 6 pm on Wednesday, then teaching a piano lesson also that night at 7:30, then PHP Thursday, support group Thursday night, and another dentist appt on Friday. Whew.
Yesterday I found out that March 25 is my discharge date. 3 more weeks. I will be completely and utterly devastated, and I'm future fucking myself when I say that post-"graduation" month will be an unquestionable disaster. I feel like each moment there is so invaluable. It was be extremely difficult to leave.
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