fun days of edema

edema, for those of you who don't know, is basically water retention. it can make someone who, a day or two previously appeared starved, look completely huge. in my case, i look about 6 months pregnant, have cankles, and my wrists/fingers are completely swollen.

it sucks. HARDCORE.

consequently, feeling so incredibly awful about myself leads to self-harm yeahhhhhh hot curling irons on skin.

ooh more learning while being in PHP

• how much i love michael jackson!
• some other sweet amazing bands
• i'm pretty much a master bart rider now
• of course a lot about nutrition.
  
• learned about how much love and compassion i do have for others
• 3 words: bear valley trail!
• bunch of other stuff

Merry Christmassssss!!!!!!! :)

a few things i've learned at PHP

things i have learned, which are important to note:

• a person can have two opposing feelings at the same time, e.g. i can feel sad but happy in the same moment
• my body DOES in fact use food and metabolizes it
• as much as it is still hard to accept, and i am still questioning this one, and this IS the hardest one right now to be okay with, but being at a little healthier weight does not equal fat/ugly, even though sometimes i feel like it does
• people in general are extremely narcissistic; just because my dad or mom is in a bad mood, it doesn't mean i have done something wrong. sometimes when someone around me is in a bad mood i automatically think it is because something i have done, when in reality it's usually something completely different.
• i have learned a lot of things to apply as a mom. when my child needs to go for a walk, i would want to go and not turn back until they feel okay to do so. it's really important just to let my child talk and not tell them, "you SHOULD feel this way..." but instead, "i totally understand..." and "that must be really hard...." etc.
  
• another big one is that when i am having a really hard time, those are the times i need to reach out to someone the most. like, i know it makes sense but i never really practiced it before...now that i have, i totally get it.
• feeling like no one around me is acknowledging my being is probably my biggest trigger...problem with growing up in a family of 7 kids...
• the importance of being honest...
• most of life is, in fact, not happy. but there are still happy moments. it's really okay to live a life that is completely honest...that things aren't sunshine and roses all the time.
  

There are a lot more. I'll keep you posted.

Life Sucks

Oh, life has never sucked so much.

I cry in the morning because my fatness is overwhelming. and I hate myself p.s.

Yesterday at PHP I had to sign a fucking contract about following the meal plan 100% and working with my D and being all cooperative and whatnot or else I would be discharged. Efffffff.

But then there was all the "come to jesus" stuff and everybody was all inspired by me blah blah blah this sucks so much.

Anyway so since I had to sign the contract yesterday, and I have today and this weekend off (so=three days of NO PHP support) D and I just decided I have to have X amount of ensures everyday. Easier than real food. Gaaaaaaay. This sucks this sucks this sucks I hate everyone in the world but mostly myself fuuuuuuuuuuckzorz. HATE.

HATE

5 meals, 4 snacks

In a row.

Does. anyone. KNOW. how. hard. that. is.

Yesterday's breakfast+morning snack+lunch+afternoon snack+dinner (at Susan's, there was not a snowball's chance in hell i could have done it otherwise)+this morning's breakfast+snack+lunch+snack.

That is a whole TON o' food kids. I don't think ANYONE would like feeling so full. Like, I fell asleep right after dinner (during the movie) cause i just couldn't handle the conscious feeling of being so full. Gosssssshhhh i wish I could just impart that feeling to "normal" people. It's like, the most ridiculous thing ever.

So, you may be wondering, "She's been in the program for almost 2 months now, why is this a new thing for her?"

And the answer to that, I plead the fifth.

Major breakthroughs today man.

But as of this moment, I do love life.