thursday adventures

PHP on thursday was good good. but also sad sad.
at the beginning of art H came up to me and we were just talking and i was crying because of the same issue i talked about in the previous post. :'-( and i told her i just wanted her there, like, in my recovery. and she said: "I'll always be with you. But I can't find you if you're in your disorder." She is the most amazing person ever. Like, honestly it was the most unequivocally perfect thing to say then. And I will never forget it because she said it in the most amazingly kind way. And we just stood there and I cried and she was just with me and was really patient and supportive and I could've taken as long as I needed to and she would've just stayed with me. And finally she said, "But this [insert "funny business"] has to stop. It's kinda getting old." And the way she said it made me laugh through my tears. And it was just a really special moment to me.
And then I actually was brought back into the moment and thought about the art assignment. Which was to depict life in your disorder and life in recovery. And I was having an awfully difficult time thinking about what I wanted to do, and I decided to pick up a piece of white construction paper. I drew a black line down the middle and drew a glass (like a drinking glass) in the middle on both sides. On one side, it was half full. On the other side, it was half empty. I thought this was pretty clever. But the more I thought about it, I mean, I purposely made them look identical. And the more I thought about it, it was like...life can be the same on the outside, but it's really how you feel about it that matters. But also, in my disorder I felt like it was half empty in that I felt like I would never have control bc it controlled me, but I also didn't feel anything so I had hope (half full) that I could feel happy. But in my recovery, I feel hopeful that I can at least have control over my life, but I feel hopeless in that I'll ever be happy. I mean, I am really really depressed.
Anyway, like I said, both sides looked exactly the same. And everyone was giving me feedback and the new Heather was like, "it's kinda funny" and then dumb H was all like, "It's interesting that you describe it as 'funny' Heather bc Diana always tries to laugh and smile and act like everyhing's okay." And she continued by saying, "I'm actually really really scared for you. [Which brought me back to what Monica had said to me earlier that week, see previous post.] You know, you've been here awhile and I'm just really scared that both sides look the same." etc etc etc. Damn her. I mean, I am glad she was honest with me, but it made me really mad! Especially after we had just had that really meaningful talk together. Ugh. So that was hard. :/

Anyway, left PHP and Wizzy was in the lobby waiting for me!!! YAY! It was creative night :D So we bought amytron some prettttty flowers (i.e., wizzy bought them) and headed over to her apt. Had a crazy man cuss us out on Muni, but it was worth it cause immediately thereafter an adonis borded and wizzy told him he was gorgeous and we talked with him for a few minutes and then we got to AMYTRON"S :-D and we played with hair and watched 'lympics and the men's aerials were phenomenal and i just love bein' with them. :) :) :)

anyyyyyway today i saw the dentist and it wasn't too bad.

byeeee for now.

all good things come to an end

so it isn't the end of PHP yet, and i hate dealing with the sadness and fear of leaving it before that even happens, because of course i want to just focus on getting what i can out of it while i can, ya know?
but so yesterday after program i started crying 'cause i just really really want H to be my outside therapist. anyway so then last night didn't go too well, because i was still sad from that a lot, and then in check in H was all like, "You really need to talk about this in group...pinky swear?" bla bla bla...so then at the beginning of group H was kinda highlighting the most important things going on and she mentioned me, and so then she was like, "Who wants to start" and everyone was looking at me. and i just didn't really know what to say! cause seriously it's kinda embarrassing to be like, "heeyyyy everyone i can't do this by myself and i really really really need H to hold my hand bla bla bla" but i did anywayand i was even crying AND THEN MONICA was like "i'm so scared for you cause you totally need H to hold your hand and i'm just worried about you cause you're like a baby" i was like WTF and so to monica i was just like, "whatever" and H was like, "did what monica say make you mad?" and I was like "yeah" and she was like, "why?" and i was like, "UGH cause it was really embarrassing to have to say that and she was not understanding." bla. but then lauren jumped in and was like, "i totally understand you diana cause i'm going through the same thing and i'm really gonna miss dr anzai"
so at least lauren helped. but it was good cause like everyone could relate a lot i guess.
and after process group i just went and laid on the couch and H came and sat next to me and well first she asked me how i get my eyebrows so perfect which was nice, and she said that she isn't the one who is responsible for my recovery and there are other cool people out there i'll connect with and that she is gonna start going to the support groups. which i don't know if it's for me or not but of course that was at least a little nice to hear.

:-C and tonight didn't go very well at all and all i want is for her to be my T and that's alllll. i just don't think it's that much to ask. :-C

PHP today

Soooo. Today was new-Heather's birthday! And she did her first share! I could relate to it a lot, since her family is like mine and stuff.
H got a new haircut :-) And she liked my clip!
I really really cried after program cause I am really gonna miss H.
Yoga I fell asleep in.
Commitment group was suuuuper actually good this week.
Dad isn't working at military.com anymore.
My mouth hurts :-C A lot.

ps i miss amytron. i left her a voicemail and i almost started crying. :-(

catching you up on the latest goings-onsies.....

So last weekend was really good. Went to Dylan's basketball game on Saturday morning...went and saw Dear John on Saturday afternoon with Carly and Cara...On Saturday night, I went to a party at the Institute building in Berkeley. It was really fun! I'm glad I get the chance to meet people my age that go to Cal. There was a fire breather and everything! And we played Apples to Apples, which I lost :-C
On Sunday we went to church from 9-12 and then we had people over that evening for dinner. Since Monday was Presidents' Day, I didn't have PHP, so that morning I had a dentist appt and then at 1 p.m. I met a new potential therapist...which I talked about a couple posts about! Anyway, so I did meet JH. She is nice. I cried a lot, mostly 'cause I'm gonna really miss PHP bunches and bunches. :-C But then that afternoon Dad, Dylan and I went to the church and played basketball! Holy moly smokey boley-- I was swishing like everyyyyy basket! It was incredible! It was soooooo fun 'cause last time I tried to play I wasn't really even strong enough to get the ball to go like five feet. So it was really fun.
I had PHP Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this past week. It all went ok...Wednesday was suuuuuuuuuuuuper sad 'cause all of a sudden we were like, "WTF Today is Amytron's last day?!?!" And I cried. :-C I really miss her and it was really irresponsible the way they just let her go. LAME. But we'll see her on Thursday so it somehow isn't as bad as it possible could be.
Thursday the "theme" was "hiding/pretending"...like how we hide/pretend when we're in our disorder cause bla bla bla the "staff" apparently thought it was an important issue to address. So this coming week H apparently is "strongly encouraging" me to confess some things I feel really badly about myself for doing. UGH THIS SUCKS. I don't want to talk about my bad thingggggsss! >:-O
Anyyyyway, so this three day weekend has been a HUGE success! :-D Friday morning..wake up, breakfast, finish reading that book, did last post, washed dishes, showered, piano'ed it up, read, art, started watching a movie but fell asleep, woke up at five and then went to babysit til midnight. HUGE success, huh!? Oh, also in there I called two people. Which was significant.
Saturday morning...bfasted, washed, then we to Wizzy's! :-D At her dad's we took Wallie for a walk and did lots of art and had dinner and watched the olympics and then i fell asleep. Mmmmmmmmm we slept for twelve hours. It rooooocked. Then today we bfasted and got ready and we with her daddio and her brover to golf and walked and snacked and then came back to her momma's and did some more art and walked some more etc etc it was lovely!! And wizzy bought me a hair clip which is SO cute and her momma gave me a painting which is INCREDIBLE! Am I not the luckiest girl in the whole world!?

I think I am :-D

Siddhartha

So H suggested I read Siddhartha a few weeks ago. I am about finished with it, and I think it is a very profound book. It's a relatively easy read, but it contains an abundance of insightful concepts.
My favorite quotes from it:
"And Siddhartha said softly, as though speaking to himself: 'What is meditative absorption? What is leaving the body? What is fasting? What is holding the breath? These are a flight from the ego, a brief escape from the torment of being an ego, a short-term deadening of the pain and absurdity of life. This same escape, the same momentary deadening, is achieved by the ox driver in an inn when he drinks a bowl of rice wine or fermented coconut milk. Then he no longer feels his self, then he no longer feels the pain of life-- he achieves momentary numbness. Falling asleep over his bowl of rice wine, he reaches the same result Siddhartha and Govinda reach when, through long practice sessions, they escape their bodies and dwell in nonego. That is the way it is, Govinda." (pg. 18-19).
I like this quote because I can apply to my own situation. What do I feel when I engage in my eating disorder? I feel 'momentary numbness.' I no longer feel my self, the pain of life. And as attractive as that lifestyle may sound, it also numbs out anything possibly good out there, as well. :-/

"Slower yet the pondering man walked, asking himself: 'But now what is it that you were trying to learn from teachers and teachings, and what is it that they, though they taught you a lot, could not teach you?' And he found this: It was the ego whose meaning and essence I wanted to learn. It was the ego that I wanted to get rid of, to overcome. But I was unable to overcome it, I could only trick it, could only elude it, could only hide from it. In truth nothing in the world has occupied my thoughts so much as my ego, this enigma that I am alive, that I am unique and separate and distinct from all others, that I am Siddhartha [Diana]! And there is nothing in the world I know less about than me, than Siddhartha [Diana]!
The slowly walking thinker came to a halt altogether, captured by this last thought, and immediately from this thought another sprang, a new thought, which was this: That I know nothing of myself that Siddhartha [Diana] remains so alien and unknown to me-- there is one cause for this, just one: I was afraid of myself, I was running away from myself! I was looking for atman, I was looking for Brahman; I was determined to tear my ego apart, to peel it layer by layer in order to find in its unknown innards the pith behind all the husks, atman, life, the divine, the ultimate. But in the process I myself got lost.
Siddhartha opened his eyes and looked around him. A smile spread over his face, and a profound sensation of awakening from a long dream filled him down to his toes. Immediately he resumed walking, walking fast, like a man who knows what it is he has to do.
Oh, he thought, taking deep breaths, now I will not let Siddhartha [Diana] slip away from my again! No more will the point of departure for my thinking and my life be atman and the suffering of the world. I will no longer kill myself and tear myself to pieces, trying to find the secret beneath the rubble...I will learn from myself, be my own student. I will learn about myself, about the mystery of Siddhartha [Diana].
He looked around him as though he were seeing the world for the first time. The world was beautiful, full of colors, strange and enigmative. Here was blue, here yellow, here green, the sky was in movement and so was the river; the forest was fixed in place and so were the hills-- all beautiful, all mysterious and magical. And in the middle of it all was Siddhartha [Diana], the awakened one, on the path to himself [herself]." (pg 42-43)

I love this quote. I think it's pretty self-explanatory-- the idea of complete excitement of self-discovery. It's just awesome.

"Vasudeva [H] listened with great attention. As he [she] listened, he [she] took everything in, origins and childhood, all the studying, the seeking, all the joys, all the troubles. Of the ferryman's [H's] virtues, this was one of his [her] greatest: He [she] knew how to listen as few people do. Though Vasudeva [H] spoke not a word himself [herself], the speaker felt him [her] receiving his words into himself, quietly, openly, unhurriedly, missing nothing, not jumping ahead through impatience, attributing neither praise nor blame-- just listening. Siddhartha [Diana] felt what happiness can come from opening oneself to such a listener, having one's own life-- one's seeking, one's suffering-- enter this other's heartbeat." (pg 109-110).
I love this one because it reminds me of H. She is such a phenomenal listener. And this quote just articulates so wonderfully the amazing way she listens. And I want to be a good listener, as well.

Anyway, those are my top favorite quotes from this book. I really like it-- I would encourage you to read it if you haven't.

PHP on Tuesday was SO GOOD!

Like I said, PHP on Tuesday was SO GOOD. First cool thing is that a new girl, Heather, came into the program on Friday, and I was kinda talking to her and being like, "How many kids are in your family? Bla bla bla" She was like, "Five...and I'm the second oldest..." I was like, No way! I'm the second oldest too! (Of seven)...Anyway, from that clue I had a sneaky suspicion that she was Mormon, and then on Tuesday after one of Alan's skills groups (cause she had talked in the group about maybe reaching out to people at her church) and so yeah, I asked her what church she went to and she was like, LDS, and I was like, no- way- me- too- omgosh. So that is pretty exciting to have. But also Tuesday while she was talking during process group I could totally relate to everything she said. Which is really, really cool.
Anyway, lots of other cool things also happened. Like in process group H waaaaaaaay helped me cause she is like one of the best therapists ever, and she was talking to me, and I do this thing where I stop and think and I have dialogue in my head but I don't say it, so she kept saying, "What's going on in there? Put your thoughts into words," etc....Which was WAY helpful cause I got SO MUCH OUT. Including I made people cry and Tricia was like, "you're so inspiring!" Which is SO INCREDIBLE TO HEAR. Cause I was like, "I reallllly value my feelings." Etc. So process group was really great.
And also community meeting was SO GOOD cause I brought up SUCH an important issue about things I had been feeling just about feeling betrayed and stuff and H was like, "You've never had any negative feelings towards anyone in the program the whole time you've been here," etc. etc. Which is true. Which was why it was so hard.
Anyway so then I talked to her for a few minutes afterwards, and H is just so dang amazing. I told her I wish she did outpatient stuff, and she said that was her goal! And I asked her if I could come talk to her when she did! And she said yes! So that is suuuuper amazing.

Monday was such a sad day though. Cause it was Elizabeth's last day :( I cried. I miss her. A lot.

Oh but I almost forgot. On Tuesday night I went to institute and met a boy! His name is Daniel and he is an architect major at Cal, and he is on the ballroom team and does art and cooks and he is sooooo nice. He walked me to the Bart station afterwards! And looked me up on facebook. Which is pretty cool. :)
Yesterday I had off PHP :( Stayed home. Cleaned my room. Taught piano. Made a postcard for Sarahhhhh!! A little bit rockier than last week, so that sucked. whatever. Part of that was like, SPIKED ANXIETY about having to meet a new therapist on Monday, whose name also starts with J! We'll call her JH. She sounds nice. I am reluctant though because I will realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly miss PHP.

:(

Off to go do art therapy today! I'll post pics. And therapeutic lunch. :/

happy pictures :)

wow...this is pretty profound...this song came onto pandora right after i wrote that post.

time to say goodbye. to my ed.

Shocked. Amazed. Never, ever, in my wildest dreams...

did I think that I would be able to handle a day at home.

So today was like my first real try-out day off of PHP. I was notified on Tuesday afternoon of this. Which was not ideal. I was really sad, scared, etc....H and I talked for a little while about it though that afternoon. And just things in general. Which really, really helped.

Anyway, then I left the hospital and walked around downtown Berkeley for a little while, through a farmer's market, etc...read Siddhartha in a local Starbucks and got steamed milk with a shot of vanilla in it, which was really good! Then I went to institute!! It was really, really great! The people there were awesome and so so friendly. I'm so glad I went!

So then today. Woke up. Cleaned up the kitchen. Showered/dressed. Played piano for a long long time. Lunched. Read. Watched Bye Bye Birdie :-D and fell asleep. Went for a walk in the afternoon. Taught piano. Dinnered. Went to Michael's to pick up art stuff for my lesson tomorrow. Came back, made a picture and a poem that is awesome.

Good stuff man, good stuff.

One big thing I've been meaning to write that I have learned while in PHP (from H): "The only reason I've been able to stay in recovery is change. I continually challenge myself with new things; by doing this, I reaffirm my abilities."

This week in commitment group on Monday, one of my goals was to do something new every day. Which I have been. Monday I went to the library to check out Siddhartha/wrote a paragraph about why staying home is so hard....Tuesday went to Institute...Today well everything was amazing...Tomorrow art lesson....


This is a very, very important lesson.