one of my all-time favorite quotes

"He smiled understandingly-- much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life..." (The Great Gatsby)

pics from this past weekend

amytron's amazing kitchen!

and this is where walter and i slept

typical friday at PHP

walter chillin' in the lemon tree :)

Some pictures of recent activities :-)

Dylan and I went on a walk a little while ago and we saw a poppy :)

Here is Lake Herman. :)

The Thursday before last we made "self boxes" in Art Therapy. Mine is really bright and glittery on the outside, but the inside is painted black.

Elizabeth and I went for a hike to some waterfalls and I drew a picture of them! Imagination is so fun to use!

Wha?

I always take little water bottles home from PHP :) Also in the picture is the CD Amy helped me make for PHP.....aaaand H gave me a lemon! Aaaaand tricia gave me vanilla rooibus teabags cause she works at Starbucks! She is so sweet!

Sharks game photo ^

K so this weekend has been AMAAAZING! Well yesterday after PHP Amy and I wandered for a little while, over to the Cal campus and then it started raining so then we headed back and stopped in Starbucks and guess who we saw! Tricia! Yay :) So then we met up with Elizabeth at the MacArthur Station and made our way on over to Amy's (she lives in the inner sunset in SF) and we made rice, shrimp, and veggies for our dindin with milk, OF COURSE (cause we alllllways do our mealplan when we're together!) and then watched Whip It which was kindof funny. And we actually went to bed pretty early....then this morning we went to the Beanery and got bagels and cream cheese and juice, and then we went on a hike and it was SO GORGEOUS!!! Then we went down to the Glen Park neighborhood of the city, which Amy said reminded her a lot of Italy, and it was also a really amazing neighborhood, and we got lunch at a "local deli" (as Amy likes to say) and it was just blissful! Then I rode BART home and researched clouds and watched Federer kick Tsonga's booty in tennis which is my favorite sport to watch, and then I hung out with Carly and my SIL Sam and their friend whose name I have forgotten, and then I've just been hanging out doing whatever since then.

Lovely weekend!! :-D

Yesterday, I was happy.

Yesterday was amazing. I was thinking as I got ready, "It's a lot more important about who I am as a person rather than what I look like." Which is really, really true. It makes things easier thinking about life like that.
Some quotes from PHP--
"Enter the ocean, enter the food chain." --Tricia, LOL
At therapeutic lunch (Indian food!) yesterday, Jude was talking about her family: "Yeah, she [my mom] was in a full body cast when she conceived her [Jude's sister]." LOL
After I read my letter, H was like, "You're lovable just the way you are...."
Alan said he read my letter and it made him cry.

Last night Carly, Cara, Daniel and I had a great discussion. Then Carly and Cara left to go watch Dylan's pinewood derby, and Sam and Daniel and I also had a good discussion. <3 my sibs!

And Dad and I watched Seven Pounds last night...SUCH a good movie!

Pictures to come later!

Today was another pretty milestone-ish day. Reading that letter was really intense. I was like, way connected to it. Definitely one of the most emotional days for me at PHP.
I don't know why, but tonight I've actually felt some hope for the future. I mean seriously, I can do anything with my life! It's so exciting! I could go teach English in another country, or get a part time job and take online classes and use free time to go around the Bay Area on fun adventures. I mean, it's pretty freeing really.
This weekend was soooo much fun w/ Elizabeth in Marin! We went on a fun hike and did art and bowled and it was just sooo normal and great.
Last night went out to Vietnamese food w/ Susan in the City and saw The Lovely Bones. Yay!
This weekend...spending the night at Amy's on Fridaaaay yay.

Also, in the process of scheduling w/ new outpatient therapist, and I was about to call her J, but she is not J, she is JH. Which is weird, cause right now I have H. I'll be so sad to leave H, too. :-(

This morning I feel really like I have had an epiphany. These past few days I have felt so hopeless and anxious, etc. I've just been feeling like, "What is so great in life to live it feeling so awful about myself at this weight? I have nothing to live for. Life just has nothing to offer." Etc. Which is obviously an incredibly negative way to think. But yesterday, in check out group, Alan just suggested to me to pursue my imagination, because the previous Friday I had expressed so much fulfillment from doing Drama Therapy and using my imagination.

I really appreciate my own imagination. I value it. I even just love the word: imagination. It's such an incredible thing!, one's imagination. So I decided to start using it for good, instead of bad. Weird concept, huh? I mean, our imaginations can definitely serve of for good or for evil-- we can imagine our lives as some bum on the street with no friends or connections, people judging us for our weight, etc....OR we can imagine our lives being surrounded by people that help us feel good about ourselves! In any atmosphere we want! Improving ourselves by increasing any talent we want! Like playing the guitar! :-) I mean, really, I can IMAGINE that for myself, and it's really exciting!

I'm just really grateful for my imagination. And that instead of imagining myself as some fat ol' ugly messed up person, I can imagine myself achieving things and feeling fulfilled and loving other people and having them love me, too. And loving myself, even.

title-less

Bloggy-oggy-ogg-io,
This weekend has been alright. On Friday I got to talk to J! Hooray! That was great. :-D
Saturday Daniel, Sam, Dylan, Cat, Carly and I went to the San Jose Sharks game because they were playing the Oilers. Unfortunately, the Oilers lost :(
Church today was good. I love my new calling as the Sunbeam teacher!! It is SO GREAT!
Last week PHP was good every day. Friday I was reminded about being human, which really really struck me. Like, I can actually allow myself to be human. Humans eat. Humans make mistakes. Accept that. Not that eating is a mistake. That was worded weirdly. Anyway, there ya go, an example of me being human ^.

This past week I've also started reframing a lot of the things that come out of my mouth; I can do that when I recognize my cognitive distortions, which we talked about on Wednesday and that was very helpful.

Thursday night before support group, Amy and I hung out and went on swings and it was so fun! Then we met up w/ Bay and Elliot and went to Herbivore for dinner and I got this ceviche salad thing which was okay...not great...but at support group, I saw a friend who is really having a hard time and is really in her disorder. That was really, really, realllllly hard for me. On Friday I really wanted to throw in the towel. But I've been thinking loads about that this weekend. And I thought of an analogy. I think that going through this process is a lot like being in a marathon. It's a really, really, really hard thing to do-- even HARDER, I think, than being in a marathon. And all the other people in the program going through it with you are in the race as well. And the people who just give up to fighting their Eds are the runners who give up and stand along the sides of the race, and don't go anywhere in life. And for the people still running, it's REALLY really really hard for them to see their friends do that. And that's why it's so important to stick with the people who are experienced runners, because they understand what you're going through, and they'll definitely help you make it to the end.

So yeah, that's my analogy.
I definitely way way way way waaaaay hate my body. Times a million. I do want to quit all the time. But I know I won't. But that doesn't change the fact that I do want to quit. And I need help not to.

Today was great.
I was really anxious about going to PHP today because of how poorly this weekend went (which is why I thought that I might be doing inpatient) but alas! I have proved my motivation is genuine and so I don't have to. Yaaaaay!
Highlights:

• H talking to me pre-lunch for like 20+ mins. She told me that I am special and awesome and I could do what she does! And that she sees something in me.
  
• Leslie is SO THOUGHTFUL! Last week at one of the lunches I had been asking her about poetry or something, and she remembered and saw something on Craigslist that made her think of me! And she printed it out and left it on my lunch tray! She is so sweet!
• Chloe played guitar and sang for us after lunch. It was amazing; she is really really talented and doesn't even realize it.
  
• H talking to Amy and me post-PHP and telling us all this cool stuff and that we could basically be running the program. Aaaaand we talked til like 5. Which was awesome.

So now tonight I have had dinner. And snack. And why the fuck am I SOOOO full.....It feels like more full than at PHP. And it's reallllly hard to deal with. :( Pleaseeeee I don't know what to do. This is SO hard. I feel like tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and be like 20 lbs + heavier. And I know that's not true. But that's how it feels.
I'm really close to target weight, so it's like this is the worst part. Because I'm basically there and I hate hate hate hate it. They're such assholes for not letting me maintain already. Fuuuuuuck. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate. I don't know how to deeeeeal with this. Gay gay gay gay.

PHP

Today I was reflecting on the time I have spent in PHP. It has, unquestionably, been incredibly difficult. Yet it has also been the best period of my life since some fun middle school times. (Although there were some good times in high school, too, I guess...) The authenticity I have been able to experience there has been really, really incredible. The support I have gotten there is extraordinary. I can never really express how grateful I am to be having this amazing time. I really, really, really love PHP. I just want to journal really quick about all the phenomenal people I have met there.
First getting there, there was:
(in patient with me): Rebecca, Jessica, Antoinette, and Beverly. In PHP there was Christine L, Naomi, Baylee, Kristine F, Johanna.
While I was still inpatient, we added Paula, Pam, Elizabeth.
Barely in the outside world I went, Amy and Lauren went inpatient.
Subsequently, many people have come and gone. Jone. Pearl. Marion. Kay. Trisha. Christina.
Now we have some new people. Chloe. Erin. Judy. Monica. Lisa. Jeanette. Christina. Mikayla.

I know I'm probably missing a few. But these people are so amazing. It is SO incredible to truly get to know someone.

Not to mention the staff. Heather. Nancy S, Nancy P, Jaime!, Leslie!, Alan, Tasha.

SOoooo I want to record some awesome stuff that will help me remember the good times.
Jumping on couches.
Walter.
"I see you." -Heather, after my first share
Microwave dance.
Animal karate thing with Geoff?
Chaser. "I'm gonna chase check in with process group...." Amy
"I love you Jenny" in Forrest Gump voice...Lauren
fun pens of elizabeth :)
Super inspiring Thursday aka dec 10 when I decided to sign my *first* contract haha but then Lauren admitted to doing, er, stuff...
the time when i wanted to give up and Christina was walking out the door and she said, "I'm not just saying that. I really meant it."
when i was super happy to see Christine L one morning and she said that made her day!
Heather telling me that everyone liked the CD i made, even people in IOP.
when i YELLED "FUCK EVERYONE" at catherine one friday in check out AND threw a finger puppet (poor walter) across the room while talking to jaime d...
laughing in drama therapy with kay and lauren :)
hanging out with elizabeth and elizabeth and amy
sleeping over at naomi's
crashing a car
getting un-engaged. :(
dad being REALLY supportive and also sometimes not so much feeling that way...
worry dolls from amy
angry notebook from elizabeth
cards from paula, rebecca, and kay
nancy s: "that bitch" LOL

i'm sure i'll keep adding to this. i might have to go back into the hospital on monday :( i just hope this post embodies how amazing i feel about PHP...