latest liveliness

*sigh* this week has been extremely emotionful. i don't even know where to begin. i guess my primary reason for wanting to post today was because last night my sister Carly and I went and saw a midnight showing of Alice and Wonderland. First off, let me tell you, it was completely brilliant. The actors were all incredible; Alice especially did a phenomenal job. That, as well as the special effects and cinematography (you gotta see it in 3D)-- just completely fantastic.
Anyway, I did get a lot out of it. I felt like one particularly poignant moment was a scene in which the White Queen is supplicating the crowd for a volunteer to fight and destroy the Jabberwocky (the dragon-like beast of the Red Queen). It had previously been prophesied that Alice herself would be the one to do the job. However, at the invitation of the White Queen, Alice is reluctant and doesn't say anything.
The White Queen, in response, says something to the effect of: "Alice, only you can decide to fight this battle, for you cannot live your life for others. Because when the time comes, it will be you and you alone to step in front of the dragon."
That really, really struck me. Just because I feel like so dependent on H and the program to help me fight my battle. But it's true-- I mean, I'm the one who has to decide. And only I can do it for myself. Which really sucks. And it's terrifying. Times a million freaking thousand.
The second moment which I really loved was when Alice was in the heat of the battle with the Jabberwocky. Her father had a saying-- "I can think of six impossible things before breakfast." And Alice started to list some "impossible" things that had already happened in the movie-- animals talking, shrinking, etc. And her sixth one was, "And I can destroy this Jabberwocky." I just really really loved that. Because it does seem impossible at times.

I absolutely needed to see that movie last night; I left PHP feeling completely and unabatedly defeated. It was like a gift from God, that boost in motivation.

Wednesday I had off of PHP. Didn't do much in the morning, but I had a succesful lunch before going to meet with JH. Damn, I mean, it is SO hard to start a new relationship after having such amazing ones before. I know I need to have faith with this, but I can't put into words how difficult it is considering how close and attached I am to H. Anyway, I did make it through...Then met up with Wizzy and Amytron that night for creative night. There was no where else I would have rather been than with them. And the next day was Amytron's birthday so we put up contstruction paper hearts all over her apt with things we love about her written on them! Wednesday night we watched Where the Wild Things are. OKAY, Let me tell you, this movie was about equally as amazing. Seriously, I cried at the end. I think I'm gonna watch it again today because it was that good. :)
Also today I plan on talking to J!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to catch up with her!!!!!!!!!!!! In like less than an hour! She is so so so amazing for taking the time to talk with me, 'cause it's not like she has to. So yay :)
Other plans include cleaning my room, writing my resume and submitting it to at least five craigslist posts, ummm showering, of course, and hopefully going down to the church to play some more basketball.

Next week is going to be absolutely insane. On Monday I have a dentist appt at 2 pm, then at like 4 I have to teach a piano lesson, and then I'll head into the city that night to sleep over at Susan's!, then PHP Tuesday, institute Tuesday night, PHP Wednesday, therapy at 6 pm on Wednesday, then teaching a piano lesson also that night at 7:30, then PHP Thursday, support group Thursday night, and another dentist appt on Friday. Whew.

Yesterday I found out that March 25 is my discharge date. 3 more weeks. I will be completely and utterly devastated, and I'm future fucking myself when I say that post-"graduation" month will be an unquestionable disaster. I feel like each moment there is so invaluable. It was be extremely difficult to leave.