thursday adventures

PHP on thursday was good good. but also sad sad.
at the beginning of art H came up to me and we were just talking and i was crying because of the same issue i talked about in the previous post. :'-( and i told her i just wanted her there, like, in my recovery. and she said: "I'll always be with you. But I can't find you if you're in your disorder." She is the most amazing person ever. Like, honestly it was the most unequivocally perfect thing to say then. And I will never forget it because she said it in the most amazingly kind way. And we just stood there and I cried and she was just with me and was really patient and supportive and I could've taken as long as I needed to and she would've just stayed with me. And finally she said, "But this [insert "funny business"] has to stop. It's kinda getting old." And the way she said it made me laugh through my tears. And it was just a really special moment to me.
And then I actually was brought back into the moment and thought about the art assignment. Which was to depict life in your disorder and life in recovery. And I was having an awfully difficult time thinking about what I wanted to do, and I decided to pick up a piece of white construction paper. I drew a black line down the middle and drew a glass (like a drinking glass) in the middle on both sides. On one side, it was half full. On the other side, it was half empty. I thought this was pretty clever. But the more I thought about it, I mean, I purposely made them look identical. And the more I thought about it, it was like...life can be the same on the outside, but it's really how you feel about it that matters. But also, in my disorder I felt like it was half empty in that I felt like I would never have control bc it controlled me, but I also didn't feel anything so I had hope (half full) that I could feel happy. But in my recovery, I feel hopeful that I can at least have control over my life, but I feel hopeless in that I'll ever be happy. I mean, I am really really depressed.
Anyway, like I said, both sides looked exactly the same. And everyone was giving me feedback and the new Heather was like, "it's kinda funny" and then dumb H was all like, "It's interesting that you describe it as 'funny' Heather bc Diana always tries to laugh and smile and act like everyhing's okay." And she continued by saying, "I'm actually really really scared for you. [Which brought me back to what Monica had said to me earlier that week, see previous post.] You know, you've been here awhile and I'm just really scared that both sides look the same." etc etc etc. Damn her. I mean, I am glad she was honest with me, but it made me really mad! Especially after we had just had that really meaningful talk together. Ugh. So that was hard. :/

Anyway, left PHP and Wizzy was in the lobby waiting for me!!! YAY! It was creative night :D So we bought amytron some prettttty flowers (i.e., wizzy bought them) and headed over to her apt. Had a crazy man cuss us out on Muni, but it was worth it cause immediately thereafter an adonis borded and wizzy told him he was gorgeous and we talked with him for a few minutes and then we got to AMYTRON"S :-D and we played with hair and watched 'lympics and the men's aerials were phenomenal and i just love bein' with them. :) :) :)

anyyyyyway today i saw the dentist and it wasn't too bad.

byeeee for now.