there are no words

there are no words to express how sad i am that php is over. it was the best experience of my life.
thursday was so sad. i cried basically the whole day. like in weekend planning with jaime. and then alan pulled me out and i signed the discharge papers and we talked and i cried more. and then process group. started off by other peeps talking about getting support for some behaviors rather than others. the whole time though i was mostly just trying to get my thoughts together about what i wanted to say in my goodbye. i just tried to say that i was really grateful for the experience...to be able to witness so much divinity in each person that i saw go through there and to be able to connect with so many amazing women. it has been a really, truly incredible experience. and then i started talking about how everyone at times had seen me seriously hopeless, but at least thursday, in that moment, i felt a lot of hope. and right before i said the word "hope," h walked in to listen to my goodbye and i started crying really a lot. i felt hope because i really just want to internalize the entire experience. SO MUCH positive reinforcement. everyone always telling me how awesome i am--i mean, who would ever think negatively about themselves if that was all they heard? and that is what i had for 5 1/2 months. positive reinforcement, validation...people listening...caring. so i DO want to internalize that. it's really incredible.
and then everyone started going around saying their specific goodbye to me. jan started it off. which was awesome, cause she has definitely been there and seen me since day one. it was like seeing someone grow up. and then next monica said some really sweet stuff about how i'm an awesome singer and she brought up this one experience about how we had been sitting in check-in and i had said to her with a lot of love, "monica, it's ok to cry." and she talked about how much that meant to her. then jeannette looked at me and started crying and i re-started crying a lot and her and i kinda just cried together for awhile. that was hard. we have been through a lot together, jeannette and i. she had been there the second longest. she said some amazing stuff to me as well. and then angelina talked to me about how at her first therapeutic lunch she was SUUUUper anxious and overwhelmed, and i noticed and i didn't say anything, i just tried to help her by handing her a plate. that was really sweet that she remembered that. erin talked to me about how awesome i was, too. i just love all of them! i wish everyone had had time to talk to me. but by that point we were really short on time, and so alan intervened and asked h to say some last words.
and she did.
h started out by talking about how i had had so little time in the hospital, and it was amazing how well i have done considering everything. she talked about the first time i talked in process group (I was sitting in the same spot), about how i wanted to be a really great mom. and she said she thought that it really came from my heart. and lastly she said, "and i will miss you terribly."
and i will never forget how she said it. it was the most heart wrenching, sincere, most wonderful thing she could have said. because she always says the right thing.

and then it was over. and everyone clapped (which was kinda funny). and afterwards, h came and told me i could pick the directive for art that afternoon. and jaime was talking to me about her memories of me. which made me laugh. and then we had TL which sucked it was caf but whatevs. there was a lame opera singer.

then had my last chat with dr anzai. then art. i chose, "depict your most wonderful, carefree, happy day." and we listened to the CD i made. and h made my card-- white with blue glitter letters. and then she came over and she drew a picture of the sun rising. and she gave it to me. the whole while i was just sitting next to her trying not to cry but basically the cry look was on my face. it's just SO painful to think about those being some of my last moments with her. around 2:10ish she asked me if i wanted to help her plant the tomato plant. so her and i went to the deck and i took the plant out and she filled a bigger pot with some soil and i put it in and she put more soil on top. she asked me what we should name it. i suggested tobias-- tobias the tomato plant. i told her i didn't feel like i could do it without her. and she said, "well here's the thing i've been trying to tell you: that you don't have to. you have walter. and you can basically think of him as me. i'll always be with you. you know, when you become a therapist. i'll be there." then we went inside and shared art and she talked about her art and how she felt connected to the sun and nature and i was really happy that she gave it to me. and when we were all done sharing she gave me a hug. and then i asked for another one. and then we were all getting snacks ready and i was crying soooooooo much cause she wasn't doing check out but she went to give erin a hug and then i wanted another one. and then i was sitting at the snack table and before she left she came and gave me a hug and i was holding onto her pretty tight cause that was the last one for sure. and then she walked out and while the door was closing she was looking at me with that most understanding face where you bring your chin closer to your neck and yeah. and then the door closed.

leslie came over to me and gave me the sweetest, most gentle hug a person can give someone. like the kind where you rub their back and your body language is basically saying, everything is going to be okay. i was really grateful for that cause it was realllly what i needed. leslie is so very understanding. because i mean i was literally devastated.

check out. afterwards i gave jan like a million hugs. and debbie. and angelina. and TRICIA who had made me an AWESOME card and everyone had signed it and i love it dearly. and jeannette. and erin. :( and alan gave me a hug and let me write on the white board for the next day. and i left my HOPE picture book there that i had made on wednesday.

that night i was lucky enough to have such an amazing friend wizzy to take care of me. for that i am forever grateful <3 wizzy.

i went home and cried really hard. fell asleep crying. didn't wake up the next morning til right in time to get to my dentist appt on time at 11. came home, showered, went and saw the new dietitian, M. went well, she helped me actually realize i better get something in me friday. saturday another dentist appt, then went to my lil brother's baseball game. then went to the park and read and talked to amytron. admittedly, it was a beautiful day. but i didn't feel like it inside. i feel like i have lost the sun above me.

i miss h.