i'm at wizzy's!

sooo right now i am watching iCarly with wizzy's little brother and she is taking a shower and life is good. i love coming over to wizzy's. she is a phenomenal hostess cause she is suuuuper sensitive to others' needs and her family is sooooo nice to me too. yesterday was reallllly good. we went for a really nice walk on mt. tam in marin (she lives in kentfield) and watched looney tunes which is SO FUNNY and chopped and stuff. today we are gonna go into the city and hang out i think. it looks to be a really nice day in regards to weather.
:)

dr. anzai told me today i am endearing because i am so honest about my feelings. he said he would miss me when i leave. imagine that!
right now i really feel like i am gonna be okay.
i know what i want out of life, silly!
there will definitely be hard moments, though. next week will be difficult.
pray for me? :/

this past thursday, and yesterday

whew. thursday was a big day. A came and took me out of weekend planning group to talk. He understands so well everything I'm feeling. He is really remarkable. Anyway, talking with him I cried a lot. We talked about the paths. Death OR Possibility. Those are the two paths.
Then at ten we went back in, and during break and snack H and I talked for a long time. We talked about just going swimming and actually enjoying the water, or going for a hike and enjoying being with someone and nature, rather than how many calories you've burned or what you look like in a bathing suit. that really struck me; it feels so good to enjoy swimming. we talked about forgetting, in her words, "superficial bullshit." we talked about how fun it would be for me just to have my own apartment and do my own thing and how awesome that would be. i dunno. i guess i feel like wednesday night i was really testing her. like, i was really going for her to give up on me. but then on thursday she just spent a lot of time with me. i think that really realllllllly means a lot to me.
anyway, therapeutic lunch was salad bar which went pretty well.
before art therapy, it was chloe's last day, and she played us a song. it was SOOOOOOOOOOO gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. i started crying, it was a really touching moment. just because it was like, all of us, h, a, j, all the girls...just transfixed and being simultaneously moved and everyone was so connected. that was definitely a really special moment.
anyway, so art therapy was "depict 3 qualities of yourself that have nothing to do with physical appearance." most of the time though i spent talking to h and asking her questions about her husband. we asked her how they met and how he proposed etc etc and what he looked like. she gave us some awesome advice. anyway in the last like five minutes i drew a picture of a sun over a lake and to the left of the lake there was a trampoline and a swingset. because i feel like i'm bright and playful but also the lake is really thoughtful. and h was very insightful as usual and was like, "i definitely think you're really thoughtful, but also you can't see very far down into them, but there's a lot going on down there. but i was definitely glad to see the playground."
and in check out i made this completely insane commitment to follow my mealplan this weekend if a) i get a prize from jaime on monday, and b) if H went to the support group on thursday night. UGH bad idea. anyway afterwards, met up with amytron and walked around and got dinnerrrrrr at a salad place and then went to support group OMGOSH IT WAS SO GOOD. sooooooooooooooo gooooooooooo to see pam and lauren and kristine f and jude!!!!!!! it was fantastic to see everyone. seriously. :) omgosh and beforehand i talked with this girl CC and she is soooooooooooooooooooooooooo cooooooooooooooool. she gave me her email address and said i could email her whenever. ALSO H DID COME so yeah basically i have to follow through.
it has been hard. hard hard hard. friday morning woke up and i wasn't hungry AT ALL and no one was even around to help me out. but i did it and then called naomi!! it was fantastic! and called lauren too. then showered and got ready for my dentist appt. hour and a half of pure torture. ugh. then by noon my mouth was still super numb and couldn't eat anything. then by one still numb so i was like ok dad let's go get ensures. then i asked him if we could play a game and he said he had work to do. so i cried. and did the dumb ensures. but i was like, ok, i do not want to feel so shitty so i called daniel and sam and i went and saw alice in wonderland with them. and came home and no one was around and by that time it was like seven thirty and i had to do dinner so i had leftover salad eeeeewwwww but i did get protein and had some bread and milk and fruit.
so that basically encompasses yesterday.
today= saturday. probably gonna shower, teach piano, maybe go for a picnic? play basketball? color and send someone a picture? good plan, self. good plan.

oh, and if you're wondering why i'm trying to communicate a lot more about php lately it's cause i feel like since they're my last few days, i need to capture and remember ALLLLL of it. cause i'm really gonna miss it. a lot.

tea's ready! --H

were long, long days. very exhausting being so full of emotion all the time. but yesterday's check-in was reallly meaningful for me. h said some good stuff. she said thousands of people would kill to have my body. she said my eyes and hair are amazing, and that i'm really lucky how the weight distributed. i really tried to internalize all the good stuff she said about me. we also talked about how i just keep my ED in my "back pocket" for security and stuff. i just feel like she is so, so incredible. cause she knows exactly what to say to me all the time.
continuing throughout the day, yesterday's process group was really intense. d-ise read her first share. waaaaaaaaay intense. and then a new person had a panic attack. it was soooooooooo scary. i was really, really frightened. h talked to me before lunch and we played bumper cars w/ the green chairs hahaha. after lunch i sang some awesoooooooooome songs and everyone was like omgosh like you are such a good singer!!!! i was like, thanks. :) comm meeting was about relationships outside the program and of course h was like, diana what do you have to say about this i was just wondering how you were feeling bla bla bla? but i didn't say anything and we also talked about people being more specific on some things in check-in...
skills group was about self-soothing activities with the five senses. go big papa haha.

lol, one really funny thing that happened during AM snack was JamieL was eating diced pears and then was drinking the juice and was like, this is delicious! and all of a sudden started choking HAHAHA. not that it's a laughing matter, but really even she was laughing about it. she is SO FUNNY.

uuuuuuuuugh but today sucked. really intense day for me just sharing things that happened in the past. H pulled me out of nutrition and we had kinda a heart to heart. talked to her after program too.

then therapy with JH. then taught Ava piano. long day.

as well as not getting home til ten last night after an amazing institute class.
tomorrow= Support Group! Going out w/ amy and wizzy beforehand!

latest liveliness

*sigh* this week has been extremely emotionful. i don't even know where to begin. i guess my primary reason for wanting to post today was because last night my sister Carly and I went and saw a midnight showing of Alice and Wonderland. First off, let me tell you, it was completely brilliant. The actors were all incredible; Alice especially did a phenomenal job. That, as well as the special effects and cinematography (you gotta see it in 3D)-- just completely fantastic.
Anyway, I did get a lot out of it. I felt like one particularly poignant moment was a scene in which the White Queen is supplicating the crowd for a volunteer to fight and destroy the Jabberwocky (the dragon-like beast of the Red Queen). It had previously been prophesied that Alice herself would be the one to do the job. However, at the invitation of the White Queen, Alice is reluctant and doesn't say anything.
The White Queen, in response, says something to the effect of: "Alice, only you can decide to fight this battle, for you cannot live your life for others. Because when the time comes, it will be you and you alone to step in front of the dragon."
That really, really struck me. Just because I feel like so dependent on H and the program to help me fight my battle. But it's true-- I mean, I'm the one who has to decide. And only I can do it for myself. Which really sucks. And it's terrifying. Times a million freaking thousand.
The second moment which I really loved was when Alice was in the heat of the battle with the Jabberwocky. Her father had a saying-- "I can think of six impossible things before breakfast." And Alice started to list some "impossible" things that had already happened in the movie-- animals talking, shrinking, etc. And her sixth one was, "And I can destroy this Jabberwocky." I just really really loved that. Because it does seem impossible at times.

I absolutely needed to see that movie last night; I left PHP feeling completely and unabatedly defeated. It was like a gift from God, that boost in motivation.

Wednesday I had off of PHP. Didn't do much in the morning, but I had a succesful lunch before going to meet with JH. Damn, I mean, it is SO hard to start a new relationship after having such amazing ones before. I know I need to have faith with this, but I can't put into words how difficult it is considering how close and attached I am to H. Anyway, I did make it through...Then met up with Wizzy and Amytron that night for creative night. There was no where else I would have rather been than with them. And the next day was Amytron's birthday so we put up contstruction paper hearts all over her apt with things we love about her written on them! Wednesday night we watched Where the Wild Things are. OKAY, Let me tell you, this movie was about equally as amazing. Seriously, I cried at the end. I think I'm gonna watch it again today because it was that good. :)
Also today I plan on talking to J!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to catch up with her!!!!!!!!!!!! In like less than an hour! She is so so so amazing for taking the time to talk with me, 'cause it's not like she has to. So yay :)
Other plans include cleaning my room, writing my resume and submitting it to at least five craigslist posts, ummm showering, of course, and hopefully going down to the church to play some more basketball.

Next week is going to be absolutely insane. On Monday I have a dentist appt at 2 pm, then at like 4 I have to teach a piano lesson, and then I'll head into the city that night to sleep over at Susan's!, then PHP Tuesday, institute Tuesday night, PHP Wednesday, therapy at 6 pm on Wednesday, then teaching a piano lesson also that night at 7:30, then PHP Thursday, support group Thursday night, and another dentist appt on Friday. Whew.

Yesterday I found out that March 25 is my discharge date. 3 more weeks. I will be completely and utterly devastated, and I'm future fucking myself when I say that post-"graduation" month will be an unquestionable disaster. I feel like each moment there is so invaluable. It was be extremely difficult to leave.

thursday adventures

PHP on thursday was good good. but also sad sad.
at the beginning of art H came up to me and we were just talking and i was crying because of the same issue i talked about in the previous post. :'-( and i told her i just wanted her there, like, in my recovery. and she said: "I'll always be with you. But I can't find you if you're in your disorder." She is the most amazing person ever. Like, honestly it was the most unequivocally perfect thing to say then. And I will never forget it because she said it in the most amazingly kind way. And we just stood there and I cried and she was just with me and was really patient and supportive and I could've taken as long as I needed to and she would've just stayed with me. And finally she said, "But this [insert "funny business"] has to stop. It's kinda getting old." And the way she said it made me laugh through my tears. And it was just a really special moment to me.
And then I actually was brought back into the moment and thought about the art assignment. Which was to depict life in your disorder and life in recovery. And I was having an awfully difficult time thinking about what I wanted to do, and I decided to pick up a piece of white construction paper. I drew a black line down the middle and drew a glass (like a drinking glass) in the middle on both sides. On one side, it was half full. On the other side, it was half empty. I thought this was pretty clever. But the more I thought about it, I mean, I purposely made them look identical. And the more I thought about it, it was like...life can be the same on the outside, but it's really how you feel about it that matters. But also, in my disorder I felt like it was half empty in that I felt like I would never have control bc it controlled me, but I also didn't feel anything so I had hope (half full) that I could feel happy. But in my recovery, I feel hopeful that I can at least have control over my life, but I feel hopeless in that I'll ever be happy. I mean, I am really really depressed.
Anyway, like I said, both sides looked exactly the same. And everyone was giving me feedback and the new Heather was like, "it's kinda funny" and then dumb H was all like, "It's interesting that you describe it as 'funny' Heather bc Diana always tries to laugh and smile and act like everyhing's okay." And she continued by saying, "I'm actually really really scared for you. [Which brought me back to what Monica had said to me earlier that week, see previous post.] You know, you've been here awhile and I'm just really scared that both sides look the same." etc etc etc. Damn her. I mean, I am glad she was honest with me, but it made me really mad! Especially after we had just had that really meaningful talk together. Ugh. So that was hard. :/

Anyway, left PHP and Wizzy was in the lobby waiting for me!!! YAY! It was creative night :D So we bought amytron some prettttty flowers (i.e., wizzy bought them) and headed over to her apt. Had a crazy man cuss us out on Muni, but it was worth it cause immediately thereafter an adonis borded and wizzy told him he was gorgeous and we talked with him for a few minutes and then we got to AMYTRON"S :-D and we played with hair and watched 'lympics and the men's aerials were phenomenal and i just love bein' with them. :) :) :)

anyyyyyway today i saw the dentist and it wasn't too bad.

byeeee for now.

all good things come to an end

so it isn't the end of PHP yet, and i hate dealing with the sadness and fear of leaving it before that even happens, because of course i want to just focus on getting what i can out of it while i can, ya know?
but so yesterday after program i started crying 'cause i just really really want H to be my outside therapist. anyway so then last night didn't go too well, because i was still sad from that a lot, and then in check in H was all like, "You really need to talk about this in group...pinky swear?" bla bla bla...so then at the beginning of group H was kinda highlighting the most important things going on and she mentioned me, and so then she was like, "Who wants to start" and everyone was looking at me. and i just didn't really know what to say! cause seriously it's kinda embarrassing to be like, "heeyyyy everyone i can't do this by myself and i really really really need H to hold my hand bla bla bla" but i did anywayand i was even crying AND THEN MONICA was like "i'm so scared for you cause you totally need H to hold your hand and i'm just worried about you cause you're like a baby" i was like WTF and so to monica i was just like, "whatever" and H was like, "did what monica say make you mad?" and I was like "yeah" and she was like, "why?" and i was like, "UGH cause it was really embarrassing to have to say that and she was not understanding." bla. but then lauren jumped in and was like, "i totally understand you diana cause i'm going through the same thing and i'm really gonna miss dr anzai"
so at least lauren helped. but it was good cause like everyone could relate a lot i guess.
and after process group i just went and laid on the couch and H came and sat next to me and well first she asked me how i get my eyebrows so perfect which was nice, and she said that she isn't the one who is responsible for my recovery and there are other cool people out there i'll connect with and that she is gonna start going to the support groups. which i don't know if it's for me or not but of course that was at least a little nice to hear.

:-C and tonight didn't go very well at all and all i want is for her to be my T and that's alllll. i just don't think it's that much to ask. :-C