so it isn't the end of PHP yet, and i hate dealing with the sadness and fear of leaving it before that even happens, because of course i want to just focus on getting what i can out of it while i can, ya know?
but so yesterday after program i started crying 'cause i just really really want H to be my outside therapist. anyway so then last night didn't go too well, because i was still sad from that a lot, and then in check in H was all like, "You really need to talk about this in group...pinky swear?" bla bla bla...so then at the beginning of group H was kinda highlighting the most important things going on and she mentioned me, and so then she was like, "Who wants to start" and everyone was looking at me. and i just didn't really know what to say! cause seriously it's kinda embarrassing to be like, "heeyyyy everyone i can't do this by myself and i really really really need H to hold my hand bla bla bla" but i did anywayand i was even crying AND THEN MONICA was like "i'm so scared for you cause you totally need H to hold your hand and i'm just worried about you cause you're like a baby" i was like WTF and so to monica i was just like, "whatever" and H was like, "did what monica say make you mad?" and I was like "yeah" and she was like, "why?" and i was like, "UGH cause it was really embarrassing to have to say that and she was not understanding." bla. but then lauren jumped in and was like, "i totally understand you diana cause i'm going through the same thing and i'm really gonna miss dr anzai"
so at least lauren helped. but it was good cause like everyone could relate a lot i guess.
and after process group i just went and laid on the couch and H came and sat next to me and well first she asked me how i get my eyebrows so perfect which was nice, and she said that she isn't the one who is responsible for my recovery and there are other cool people out there i'll connect with and that she is gonna start going to the support groups. which i don't know if it's for me or not but of course that was at least a little nice to hear.
:-C and tonight didn't go very well at all and all i want is for her to be my T and that's alllll. i just don't think it's that much to ask. :-C
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I completely understand too because when I left I had no idea how I was going to do the whole recovery thing without the program and it did happen like that for a while. I struggled a lot for the first month I was out because I had no idea what I was doing with my life. But I swear it gets easier if you let yourself continue in recovery.
ReplyDeleteEVERYTHING changes. Instead of acting in your disorder and not really thinking about it you will really think about what you are doing.
Just the other day I was binging (which is TOTALLY new for me) and I was really really upset. I texted some of my friends for support and I got through it. When the hour and a half of waiting passed I looked at my friend and i sort of yelled "I get it, I know why Im doing it!" and it was the first time i allowed myself to say that i knew why I was engaging in my disorder.
I know that it can seen scary, getting out of the program, but its what you do every day. give yourself a chance, let yourself feel what your going to feel and try not to bottle it up. H is the best thing since sliced bread and I get that but she's right, she's not going anywhere and there are a ton of other people out there that can fill the H void you will be missing when your out of the program...
okay im calling you to talk to you some more.
N