time to update my long-neglected blog :)

so, update on life:
1) once again single and searchin'....
2) working as a nanny in orinda, ca for 3 kids ages 13, 10, and 6 (boy, girl, boy)...this week i decided that i actually really do love my job (even though some moments are certainly very stressful)....but for the most part, it's awesome....and yesterday morning Nate gave me TWO hugs!!! i think that's the first time actually that one of the kids has actually given me any kind of affection...i've worked there for four months now and so i'm glad to get some kind of sign that they don't like, HATE me. but yeah, i thought summer would be HORRIBLE, but being by the pool all day has been sooooooooooooo aaaaaaamaaaaaaaazing. i'm like, hmmm..."i get PAID for this!?"
3) since this is MY blog and i can put whatever i want, i want to take this opportunity to say how grateful I am for my Savior and that through HIM each of us can be truly happy and have joy for forever. He is the only One to be there guaranteed 100% of the time, and I want to become more like Him. I want to be able to bless other people's lives, and do His work, because I think it makes me happier than anything else.

hope YOU'RE choosing to have an awesome summer :)

sufjan stevens concert last night was AMAZING

so amytron and i went to a concert last night. it rocked. that's all i can say about that.
the past two weekends, i have been up to incredibly festive/seasonal/whatever activities. on the 16th a-rad (HAHAHA) and i went to the "pumpking festival" in half moon bay. it was cool. saw a 1550 lb pumpkin. huge man.
last weekend my brothers christopher and dylan and sisters cara and cat and i went to a corn maze. it took us like 1.5 hours...ish. thank GOODNESS we had christopher. he was a great navigator.
my birthday (23!) earlier this month was AMAAAAAAZZZZZZIIIIIIING. like best birthday ever probably. well at least, best in a long time. slept over @ amytron's the night before, slept in/no work, visited h, :-D, had dinner w/ my fam and went to the temple...it was sooo good. then the night after, a-rad and i went to dinner and he got me an AWESOME present.
anyway, things are good and super busy. sanaa is amazing. :)

The Voice

So I have learned tons and tons of lessons about being a mom in this past little while. And one of the lessons I call: The Voice. This is when you have to speak really really gently like you're talking to a little kid whose feelings are really hurt and you have to be totally into the person you're talking to, trying to just be really gentle with them. I totally learned this from H and I use it with Sanaa. And it's important to remember not to overuse it or else it won't be as effective. But it works so darn well when used correctly. Any PHP'ers know what I'm talking about?

anxiety for this week: 11 out of 10.

*breathe* it won't be that bad.

my poor blog!

Oh Dear Blog,
I am so sorry for neglecting you for an entire month. It has been a good/bad/interesting/great/etc month. Lots of ups and downs. Right now kindof in an up. Definitely an up. Last week on Thursday I got to see H!!! Yayyyyy! It was GREAT. I got to talk to her for FORTY FIVE WHOLE MINUTES JUST ME. :-)))))) This past weekend was really great, too. Saw "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." Interesting...and went to a swim meet, got my car fixed at Big O, went to Old Navy, made Alisa a b-day present...good stuff. Sunday got to talk to Alisa for awhile which was grrrrreat. Very very productive...
*sigh* job stuff w/ sanaa is totes good, but the parents drive me totes crazy.
pictures later of the past month. it's been really good. :)

saturday is a special day!

^too bad for all the people that don't understand that reference, huh?

anyway, today wasin fact special because it was fun! at ten i taught ava piano, then right afterwards alisa and i went for a bike ride! i had asked her last weekend about riding and so she took me out. i definitely want to get a bike now. i got to ride her mom's, which cost like two grand. sooooo nice.

then i went to a guitar lesson which was awesome. :)

then i came home and have been chilling ever since. nice. missionaries came over for dinner. it was alright.

On Thursday I got to see H!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! Naomi and I went to Berkeley for the Educational Group and got to see H. omgooooooooooooosh so awesome. except for the whole her telling me i look like shit part. yeahhhh that was not so great. it was right after alan was about to walk out and then he was liiiike, "i'm concerned. that's all i'm gonna say." bla bla bla. then she was like, "how do you like that feedback? i dunno if that was the reaction you were hoping for...but do you want me to be honest with you? you look like shit."

man that sucks. but she said she would come to the support group in two weeks if i follow my mealplan. so that's some major mucho motivation yo. i definitely want to see her there! cause i miss her times a million!

today they told me i could sleep in!

but now i'm awake (5:33 a.m...went to be at midnight:thirty) and can't sleep...i have SO much on my mind, so i figured it'd be good to get it out in this bloggio.
the thing on my mind in the present moment is that, get this, this week....i am spending each night in a different part of the bay area!! kinda cool, huh!? here's a breakdown:
sunday night: i spent mostly at home, in benicia (northeast bay)
monday night: belmont (the peninsula)
tuesday night: san francisco (the city duh) with amytron!!
wednesday night: lafayette for the support group. it was awesome last night...maybe that's why i have so much on my mind...
thursday night (tonight): palo alto for tutoring in O Chem at Stanford...my tutor is SO smart, he is getting his PhD in O Chem, wow...(probably why i pay him so much, too)
friday night: san jose (south bay) to hang out with LAUREN! YAY!! i haven't seen her for awhile so i'm reallllllllllllly excited. the reason i'm staying down here is cause saturday i have to do a cpr/first aid certification class in burlingame for my job, so i didn't want to drive all the way back home/come back.
saturday: dinner in the east bay in berkeley probably although possibly oakland with TRICIA!!!!!!!!!! yay who i am also VERY excited to see yay yay yay!!! but the reason i'm not going home right after the cpr class is because i apparently am picking up my friend naomi's friend from the airport that night lol...i know weird. but yes, so i am excited. good week, huh!?!

next weekend (after this) guitar lesson, riding with alisa, going to monterey with amytron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, going to berkeley on thursday, tutoring on wednesday....i'll find even more exciting ways to split the other night i'm sure....

anyway. what have i been up to, other than all this fun exciting madness? the past couple weeks have been kinda similar actually. last week, dinner with amy on tuesday, stanford wednesday, berkeley thursday. home friday :D

it has been really really great having a job and income and stuff. totally. i mean, i love my job most days. like yesterday and tuesday it was great!!! the time with sanaa always goes by really really quickly. yesterday we went to this place called Coyote Point in San Mateo. Wow, it was GORGEOUS. Also it was a completely perfect day to go...a little overcast...I video'ed Sanaa it was funny. Mmmm just thinking about it, it was SO nice. So we spent awhile there and then came home, drank milk, chatted, took a shower (well she did hahah) and then cleaned up and then the day was done! Thursdays always go really quickly, too, because she has gymnastics at 3 and we go to the library beforehand, so that pretty much knocks out an entire day of having to come up with anything. And Friday she has a playdate, so there ya go. But even on days when she is tired and we just come home, somehow it always just goes fast. Usually we are always just preoccupied some way or another. I think this is reason for me to NOT get a TV in my house when I'm older...hmmmm....

I'm trying to think of our other adventures. Mostly library visits, etc....I definitely am going to start taking more pictures and probably go a scrapbook...This summer is going to be so fun with her; yesterday her mom, R, and I were talking and they are members to the Discovery museum in S.F. and she said we could go on lots of zoo trips and things, so yes! It will be great!

What else have I been meaning to blog about. Hmmmmm....I miss H. :( It's pretty intense nowadays.

do you know what helped me today? looking in the mirror, and instead of seeing something i wanted to criticize, i thought..."i am seeing someone who H loves. and who amytron loves! and who jude loves!"

i really do have amazing people in my life.
talked to a friend late last night. she had some very very good points. but one was, "diana, you don't know how much you mean to people." i cried :( that meant a lot to me.
she stayed on the phone with me for a long time. and read me a story! and then i fell asleep.

it's like, during the day trying to push all that icky away but then when someone cares and asks super caringly directly how things are going i couldn't help but break down and cry.

now that i am working and will have money i need ideas for things to buy. whatchya got?

priceless

so this afternoon Sanaa (pronounced Senna) and I were doing art. She made a birthday card for her mom (even though Rhidika's birthday is in Nov, haha) and I made a "I miss you" card for H. And Sanaa was like, "what's that?" so i told her and she was like, who's that, bla bla bla...i was like "someone that i don't get to see hardly at all anymore," etc etc...anyway, and then i drew a sad face on mine. and she was SO cute, she was like, "But I'm here with you."

kids. amazing. :)

spent the morning learning how to make two indian dishes, rice pilaf and moongdal, like a lentil soup. they were good, we had them for dinner.
gotta sleep, gotta wake up early... :(

last week/today

Man, I wish I had posted something more recently in order to give full justice to just how amazing last week was. Because let me tell you, the week (note: not weekEND) was really great. Last Monday I came down here, to the peninsula, and interviewed for a nanny job. I had actually gotten a call just the day before--Sunday...or was it Saturday? Actually I guess it might have been Friday...at any rate, after the call I had to call Amytron to get support around it...but that's a completely different story and I'm getting off-track altogether...ANYWAY, back to last week, Monday's in-person interview went really well. Tuesday I think the only thing going on was my little brother's baseball game...which they lost :( but it was still fun to go to. Then Wednesday was SOOOOOO great! Went to therapy (ok, not the great part...only if H was my T :( ) and then drove over to Lafeyette and just hung out and read the really good book I'm still reading and then got to see Tricia!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because it was a support group in Lafeyette. And yeah so that was sooooo good. And then on Thursday that was an even BETTER day!!!!!!!! Because I got to see H!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaand she is soooo funny cause I walked in w/ Tricia and of course she just acted like it had been just no time at all had passed since I had seen her (well, it had only been 8 days...) and she gets gets SOOO excited over the SMALLEST things, lol it's hilarious. And so she was really excited about the aforementioned tomato plant, Tobias. And we chatted about how things were going blah blah blah. And Alan walked past and then saw me in the php room and came in and was so excited to see me and he wanted to know how everything was going :) Then he left, and I was talking to H about what they had done for art therapy. Apparently they had been instructed to choose someone they admired and blah blah blah i'm not sure the exact details because as soon as she told me that all I could think was trying to tell her that I would have picked her, which I did tell her and she gave me a hug. a looooong one. cause she is understanding like that and she said i was a good hugger! and she told me to "hang in there," like she always has been lately, and that she would bring me a tomato from tobias :)
sooo then tricia and i finally headed down to the basement and leslie! yay! gave a thing on assertiveness. i love leslie! and it was soooo good. seriously. you shoulda, er, COULDA, been there. OH I left out the good part!!! I actually went into Berkeley around twelve-ish/one-ish and it was PERFECT weather and i read and sat in the grass and drank COLD chocolate milk and a pear and it was soooo lovely...and amytron was with me in spirit :)....and then went for a hike up to tilden park and then came back and THEN finally met tricia to go talk to H....anyway, so after support group tricia and i walked to telegraph and went to the same cafe that amytron and i had been to before. maaaaan good stuff. we talked for a long time and it was so lovely!!!!
anyway, so friday morning i left by 9:30 am to go do a trial babysit for this fam down here. went super well. coming home i got lost, but luckily i have a SF city savvy friend :) who helped direct me. i ended going over FIVE different bridges that day. luckily i only had to pay toll on two. ha.
friday night. no bueno. boys=no no no bueno. no no no.
---->saturday no bueno.
sunday=muy bueno. since my fam was out of town this weekend, i got to take up alllll my parent's responsibilities at church hahaha. i played piano for sacrament meeting, taught gospel doctrine, and played piano in relief society lolzzzzz. then cope's invited me over! then went to napa last night for z wag's mission farewell. good day. ANYWAY and then i got home last night from napa and this fam had left me a voicemail being like, just come start today...
and i was waaaaay freaked out but SHOUT OUT TO AMYTRON for helping me through it. seriously what would i do without her.
anyway today was sooooo good starting a new job. hopefully things will continue going well. i'll give you more of the 411 about today and this new fam soon, but i gotsa go to bed. gotta wake up at 6:30 :(
<3 XOXOXOXO

today: soooo not feelin' it. or anything, actually.

i'm scared right now. falling into a HUGE rut. soooo no bueno. no no no no bueno. if things go back to how they were, that will be soooo not good. everything was sooooo awful. but there's SUCH a strong pull to it. it's extremely depressing applying for tons of jobs and hearing nothing back. it's also extremely depressing hanging out at home for too long. UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGH. i feeeeeel soooo trapped in my own head. no bueno no bueno no bueno.

as promised,

a real post-- with pictures! finally! i know i have been relatively m.i.a., but let me assure you, i have been trying to fill my life with some productive things. the following includes a's games, going for walks in beautiful benicia, my homemade birthday present to my awesome lil brother who turned 11, going to the park with walter, my sisters cara and cat, and also my friend anne sent me a bouquet!!! so here are some pics:


















last night i slept over @ amytron's :D it was sooooo goood to see her and we had a greaaaaaat chat. it was 'zactly what i needed. she def helped me make a life decision. we role played and practiced her assignment, talked 'bout relationships and how those are going, how we are doing in general...how much i miss h :( which was good cause she understood. one of the few. ummmmm we called some of our peeps! which was good! chloe called me back this morning and said our message almost made her cry! which was very very sweet. hmm what else...she showed me pics of a cute lil baby! it was just really really great to see her. next week on monday i get to see her again, happy day! k k so then this morning while i was waiting for wizzy to come into the city i went to the library and read. i'm reading a really good book called The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. suuuuper good. wizzy came and we went to union square and people watched!!! it was soooooo good to see her; we also talked for a long time about tons of different stuff. i <3 my peeps so much!!
what else what else....
i got to see h last week on thursday. was sad to leave :(
two job interviews. i'll update 'bout those later.
seeing JH tomorrow...more excited to see tricia!!!!!!!!

peace.

Sam Harris: Science can answer moral questions | Video on TED.com

Sam Harris: Science can answer moral questions | Video on TED.com

real post to come later...with pictures.

not. doing. ok.
saw JH on monday.
i miss h.

here is the real thing: i want to prove to everyone that i do need her to be able to do this. that is what it comes down to.
so basically everything is going to crap.

except my professional life. got interviews and stuff going on, etc...

my bestest php memories that stick out to me

-i first got out of the hospital at the end of october. it was halloween. i won't ever forget h's CRAZY WEIRD halloween costume. and at that point i wasn't that close to her and i was like, "who IS this crazy lady?" hahahaha
- my first share. i remember where i sat, what i was wearing, who was there. and at the end, h saying, "no one is gonna walk by you if you're crying. i see you." and in that instant i was so hooked.
- a week of so later when i really stayed after she made me write down on a piece of paper what had really been going on with behaviors while at php.
- daniel's wedding happened
- thanksgiving sucked
- dec 10. that was a big day. "come to jesus meeting." i remember h taking me out of process group. whew. i remember what i was wearing, what she was wearing. and she was trying to get me to sign that contract and she was like, "So do you think i'm just like a whale?" lol i really remember her saying that! and right away i was like, "no!"

gosh, there are just soooo many memories.
-letter to my mom
- art when she first told me she will always be there with me

i wish i just had every moment of php documented.
really, it was great.

i need to also shout out to my peeps. definitely to erin and anne and jude. they've really been there for me the past couple of weeks. and tricia omgosh too. goooosh i love all my girls. i miss lauren a lot. she really built me up by telling me i inspired her.
i miss php already. :(((((

there are no words

there are no words to express how sad i am that php is over. it was the best experience of my life.
thursday was so sad. i cried basically the whole day. like in weekend planning with jaime. and then alan pulled me out and i signed the discharge papers and we talked and i cried more. and then process group. started off by other peeps talking about getting support for some behaviors rather than others. the whole time though i was mostly just trying to get my thoughts together about what i wanted to say in my goodbye. i just tried to say that i was really grateful for the experience...to be able to witness so much divinity in each person that i saw go through there and to be able to connect with so many amazing women. it has been a really, truly incredible experience. and then i started talking about how everyone at times had seen me seriously hopeless, but at least thursday, in that moment, i felt a lot of hope. and right before i said the word "hope," h walked in to listen to my goodbye and i started crying really a lot. i felt hope because i really just want to internalize the entire experience. SO MUCH positive reinforcement. everyone always telling me how awesome i am--i mean, who would ever think negatively about themselves if that was all they heard? and that is what i had for 5 1/2 months. positive reinforcement, validation...people listening...caring. so i DO want to internalize that. it's really incredible.
and then everyone started going around saying their specific goodbye to me. jan started it off. which was awesome, cause she has definitely been there and seen me since day one. it was like seeing someone grow up. and then next monica said some really sweet stuff about how i'm an awesome singer and she brought up this one experience about how we had been sitting in check-in and i had said to her with a lot of love, "monica, it's ok to cry." and she talked about how much that meant to her. then jeannette looked at me and started crying and i re-started crying a lot and her and i kinda just cried together for awhile. that was hard. we have been through a lot together, jeannette and i. she had been there the second longest. she said some amazing stuff to me as well. and then angelina talked to me about how at her first therapeutic lunch she was SUUUUper anxious and overwhelmed, and i noticed and i didn't say anything, i just tried to help her by handing her a plate. that was really sweet that she remembered that. erin talked to me about how awesome i was, too. i just love all of them! i wish everyone had had time to talk to me. but by that point we were really short on time, and so alan intervened and asked h to say some last words.
and she did.
h started out by talking about how i had had so little time in the hospital, and it was amazing how well i have done considering everything. she talked about the first time i talked in process group (I was sitting in the same spot), about how i wanted to be a really great mom. and she said she thought that it really came from my heart. and lastly she said, "and i will miss you terribly."
and i will never forget how she said it. it was the most heart wrenching, sincere, most wonderful thing she could have said. because she always says the right thing.

and then it was over. and everyone clapped (which was kinda funny). and afterwards, h came and told me i could pick the directive for art that afternoon. and jaime was talking to me about her memories of me. which made me laugh. and then we had TL which sucked it was caf but whatevs. there was a lame opera singer.

then had my last chat with dr anzai. then art. i chose, "depict your most wonderful, carefree, happy day." and we listened to the CD i made. and h made my card-- white with blue glitter letters. and then she came over and she drew a picture of the sun rising. and she gave it to me. the whole while i was just sitting next to her trying not to cry but basically the cry look was on my face. it's just SO painful to think about those being some of my last moments with her. around 2:10ish she asked me if i wanted to help her plant the tomato plant. so her and i went to the deck and i took the plant out and she filled a bigger pot with some soil and i put it in and she put more soil on top. she asked me what we should name it. i suggested tobias-- tobias the tomato plant. i told her i didn't feel like i could do it without her. and she said, "well here's the thing i've been trying to tell you: that you don't have to. you have walter. and you can basically think of him as me. i'll always be with you. you know, when you become a therapist. i'll be there." then we went inside and shared art and she talked about her art and how she felt connected to the sun and nature and i was really happy that she gave it to me. and when we were all done sharing she gave me a hug. and then i asked for another one. and then we were all getting snacks ready and i was crying soooooooo much cause she wasn't doing check out but she went to give erin a hug and then i wanted another one. and then i was sitting at the snack table and before she left she came and gave me a hug and i was holding onto her pretty tight cause that was the last one for sure. and then she walked out and while the door was closing she was looking at me with that most understanding face where you bring your chin closer to your neck and yeah. and then the door closed.

leslie came over to me and gave me the sweetest, most gentle hug a person can give someone. like the kind where you rub their back and your body language is basically saying, everything is going to be okay. i was really grateful for that cause it was realllly what i needed. leslie is so very understanding. because i mean i was literally devastated.

check out. afterwards i gave jan like a million hugs. and debbie. and angelina. and TRICIA who had made me an AWESOME card and everyone had signed it and i love it dearly. and jeannette. and erin. :( and alan gave me a hug and let me write on the white board for the next day. and i left my HOPE picture book there that i had made on wednesday.

that night i was lucky enough to have such an amazing friend wizzy to take care of me. for that i am forever grateful <3 wizzy.

i went home and cried really hard. fell asleep crying. didn't wake up the next morning til right in time to get to my dentist appt on time at 11. came home, showered, went and saw the new dietitian, M. went well, she helped me actually realize i better get something in me friday. saturday another dentist appt, then went to my lil brother's baseball game. then went to the park and read and talked to amytron. admittedly, it was a beautiful day. but i didn't feel like it inside. i feel like i have lost the sun above me.

i miss h.

Normal...

normal is: having a bad hair day. accidentally running a red light and getting a $350 ticket. having some piece of retarded clothing not fit. tossing trash in the garbage can and missing. writing an entire blog entry and saving it, all to find it got erased.
today in process group we talked about what is normal? that was after having heard whitney's first share and i practically had a break down just because it was so heart wrenching. i actually cried during most of the group because it was my last one with H. H talked about how when she was a little tot her parents were kinda hippies and every saturday morning they would sit her in front of sesame street for like 5 hours, and they would give her some cup of orange juice and she would cry and be like, "I don't want the top that's for babies." but she would spill it every time! she said it was like a subconscious thing that would happen because she would be needing them to take care of her. but they never did, and every morning they would have to clean up OJ from their carpets. I cried after she said that we were each, like, miracles. And also Angelina was having a really hard time with ambivalence and saying how she only had motivation that vague and unsure and I said I felt the same way, but then I talked about seeing this really beautiful sunrise and saying how that was some big motivation. I was like, super crying. :( And so after group H came and put her arms around me and I just cried and I kinda just let myself take it in. Like, at first when someone puts their arms around you you're still all tense, but after a second I just like melted and put my head on her shoulder and cried. It was like really really supportive of her.
I cried really hard when I talked to Alan and told him about Harriet the Spy and how I related to it. Alan is so understanding.
And I cried when I talked to Jaime about how scared I am for being discharged.

*sigh* so much crying! it makes me tired just thinking about it!

but at least i didn't cry during community meeting. i ran it :) we talked about how everyone was just feeling as part of the community. etc.

soooo tomorrow: H said if i write a letter to myself in six months she will send it to me. so i need to do that tomorrow. and i'm going to take a bunch of pictures and make a recovery book. and get my hair done at 11. and clean my room/do laundry. and update my bloggio for a shout out to some peeps (jude, anne, and erin who have been MAJORLY supportive of me!) and teach piano. and maybe go play volleyball tomorrow night!

and try not to think about thursday.