'cause i've been doing some serious thinkin', thanks to a good trophy wife friend i have. :)
some people let this take over who they are. literally. i feel like that was me today. i let it invade my nearly every thought. thoughts lead to actions. i can control what i think. i CAN. you know, i never really thought of it that way. i have the choice to think "oh gosh, so fat so fat so fat." or to not have that thought. although of course it is hard to eliminate those thoughts, it is also my choice whether to act on those thoughts. i can choose to treat my body the way Heavenly Father wants me to treat it. healthy and happy healthy and happy healthy and happy. i CAN give myself what i need.
i was shaking so badly today.
i got off the phone with my mom and i look at the phone in my hand and it is shaking. i want to drive somewhere and put something in my body i can handle. something cold cold cold with a decent amount of sugar in it to give me energy. but i just sit there. in my car. i feel like i can't move. and i just sit there in the driver's seat curled up. with my head in my knees and sit there.
this scene is not unfamiliar for the past TWO point FIVE YEARS.
lots of times i think, "i know i'm not choosing happiness. but what is the big deal about not being so happy?" i will tell you. because if you DON'T choose happiness, you aren't choosing just not being happy-go-lucky, you are choosing guilt, despair, loneliness, and every negative feeling! and those are horrible!!!!! i hope that makes sense.
i just kinda wish i had a clear image of what my body really looks like. :/
tomorrow is the beginning of my life! tomorrow i won't weigh myself! i will just be happy. and you know what song i will think about when i need to remind myself to feel happy? This One.
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