I feel enlightened right now. Moments of feeling like this are fleeting, so I thought I would try to describe it.
I think just the idea of being happy is what is nice about it. I really can picture myself in that space. It's such an incredibly nice feeling. I've felt it before. It's really empowering, also. Like-- I can make my life whatever I want it to be. I can live where I want. I can pursue any endeavor I want. I can care about myself. I can love myself for who I am.
It's just such an incredibly happy idea.
After a few moments of feeling like this, insert fear. Fear of being like, FAT. Because of course there's no way I could actually feel happy and be at a healthy weight. Gosh, how could I actually accept myself that way? Ugh. I'm working on it. But I do believe it's out there at least. That's definitely progress.
One of the greatest things about going through this is that it has definitely opened my eyes to some things I want out of life. I think before I was just so, blah. Like, leave me alone I don't care about my life I have no goals or ambitions life sucks. But now, I definitely want some things. I can totally see myself in five or ten years or whatever being an awesome guitar playing, German/French speaking, boat-owning therapist! Who lives in Sausalito and scuba dives and reads To Kill a Mockingbird with her beautiful children.
Sweet dude. Sweet.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
So Long, Farewell...
This is kinda sad. I don't know whether or not I will post before Monday, but after that...who knows? For reals. Cause check this sweet vacay I get to go on by clicking this sentence. Sounds super fun I bet to all of you, huh?
It's been an emotionally draining, hard week. But this is my decision, and I feel like it is the right one. I want to be "happy and healthy and whole!" Especially when I get married. Which probably won't happen when we had originally planned. But this is more important.
Say hello to STRONG.
It's been an emotionally draining, hard week. But this is my decision, and I feel like it is the right one. I want to be "happy and healthy and whole!" Especially when I get married. Which probably won't happen when we had originally planned. But this is more important.
Say hello to STRONG.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Happy 22nd Baby Doll!
Such a good birthday...went over to B-rad's, present was amaaaaazing!!!! Then to St G-izzle where we went to the temple and watched the J Smith movie and I cried a whole lot, then to SPOON ME!!!!!!!!!!! best place ever cause it's 85 cals for a bowl of divine-ness lol, then to institute, then to Pastry Pub where I got my fave salad, then to B-rad's sister's house where she gave me an amazing scarf and paring knife!, then back to B-rad's to read/finish our book :-D I love B-rad....
a sad story of a truck
Sunday morning B-rad wakes me up. I smile. He lays beside me.
I shower, wash, brush, blow-dry, make-up, dress, perfume.
Breakfast of toast and juice. Sunday morning sessions with his cousins. We cuddle.
Leave immediately thereafter to weave through city traffic to find a park spot in the parking garage. Walk through rainy weather, eventually to end up in our seats.
Wonderful talks. 4 p.m. when it ends, B-rad is especially hungry. We discuss the invitation to eat dinner (spaghetti) with his extended family. The idea is uncomfortable. Let's just stop and get some popcorn and fruit? Okay, he says.
It's 5 p.m. once we finally make it back to the cousins'. His hunger feels insatiable. I feel scared. I finish changing and come downstairs. "We think we have B-rad convinced," they tell me. "I dunno about that...." I say. B-rad comes downstairs from changing. He looks at me. "I hope that's okay..." he says. I give him A Look.
We sit down. Spaghetti sucks. Toast sucks. Water sucks. You suck. I suck. I smile. They smile. We talk.
5:30 p.m. We exchange departing "Thank yous" and "Hope you'll come agains!"
In the car. B-rad: "I hope that was OK, I was so hungry!"
Silence for half an hour.
B-rad has tears on his face. His chin trembles uncontrollably.
I love him.
I shower, wash, brush, blow-dry, make-up, dress, perfume.
Breakfast of toast and juice. Sunday morning sessions with his cousins. We cuddle.
Leave immediately thereafter to weave through city traffic to find a park spot in the parking garage. Walk through rainy weather, eventually to end up in our seats.
Wonderful talks. 4 p.m. when it ends, B-rad is especially hungry. We discuss the invitation to eat dinner (spaghetti) with his extended family. The idea is uncomfortable. Let's just stop and get some popcorn and fruit? Okay, he says.
It's 5 p.m. once we finally make it back to the cousins'. His hunger feels insatiable. I feel scared. I finish changing and come downstairs. "We think we have B-rad convinced," they tell me. "I dunno about that...." I say. B-rad comes downstairs from changing. He looks at me. "I hope that's okay..." he says. I give him A Look.
We sit down. Spaghetti sucks. Toast sucks. Water sucks. You suck. I suck. I smile. They smile. We talk.
5:30 p.m. We exchange departing "Thank yous" and "Hope you'll come agains!"
In the car. B-rad: "I hope that was OK, I was so hungry!"
Silence for half an hour.
B-rad has tears on his face. His chin trembles uncontrollably.
I love him.
Salt Lake Sojourn
I tried to think of a good New Era caption.... any ideas?
Chris and Kal came and met us there! :D We went to the Clark Planetarium and saw a movie in the dome theater of Extreme Planets....and here there are on Mars.
Hamburger phones at Urban Outfitters at the Gateway are awesome. I'm cool?
Hunkalicious.
Great, fun trip!
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